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Taking a break from the "happy things" meme, which I've been neglecting anyway
mood: 
gloomy
gloomymusic: Regina Spektor -- Samson
Tonight, at the skating rink, I realized the stone had fallen out.
Balls.
The greatest thing about coming home is getting to see all the wonderful, close friends I've made over the years.
The worst thing about coming home is seeing these people, and realizing that I've totally failed to make connections like that at college.
I know part of it is just time -- needing more time to bond with people and become truly comfortable with them. But -- how to explain this?
Well, in terms of academics, I feel like I was something of a big fish in a small pond in high school, and now, in college, that's not the case at all, and I'm drowning in the ocean of people who are much, much more intelligent than I am. And I think that applies socially as well.
Everyone at Oberlin -- at least, all the people I want to be friends with -- is amazingly and fantastically talented and creative in many ways. I...am not. And it's like well, why would people want to get close to me when they're surrounded by these creative and multitalented people who outshine me in pretty much every possible way? I find myself feeling like an outsider, looking in and tagging along where I'm allowed, tolerated because my brother was so immensely popular and talented there. Maybe they think I'll end up being just a little bit like that. Maybe I should say that that probably will never happen.
It is so frustrating to examine my life and realize there is nothing -- nothing -- that I am even a little bit outstandingly talented at.
I don't know. I'm going to crash. Gotta be up in 4 hours. Will I feel like doing anything fun for New Year's? It doesn't feel like it now.
Dearest Caro Sparrow--
As I'm sure you know, talent and confidence are worlds apart. I have a massive amount of insecurity about my performance skill... but a lot of confidence in myself.
I nearly pissed myself before the circus, every single time. In the bathroom, I talked myself up, each time, saying "No one is going to laugh." For serious.
No one I know gets over feeling inferior to their peers/friends. The act of comparison is awful. I don't have the skills of any of my peers. When I think of Izzie playing taiko drums, Liz on staff, Yoshi stilting, Grey dancing, or Amanda spinning contact balls... I blush.
I certainly don't have the balls to do sketch comedy, or to write it. And I'm a writing major.
Give friends a bit of time to grow. Just a bit.
love!
Suggestions:
-List all the things you've done, from the papers to the performances, the people you've met, the new things you've eaten, the help you've offered, and all the self-discoveries you've made. Look at it. Feel proud. Feel damn proud.
-Find a person you trust, someone who's known you for some time, and ask them to remind you of what it is that you do, and what it is you do well. Listen carefully. Feel prouder.
Disclosure: Seeing you perform for the Storytelling Exco, and seeing you speak with such composure and honesty- I really admired you for that, both for what you'd actually been through, and having the balls and ability to share that with everyone.
Second Disclosure: You magically seemed to appear at some of the most haggard, unfortunate points in my semester, and always came to me with a kind word or gesture. You are lovely.
Third Disclosure: Tagging along is what friends do. Shove your way into conversations, and squish into the middle of cafeteria tables. You'll be well received once you're there (and if you're not, well...the hell with it-just have fun, and deal with your antagonists by being a good protagonist-fuck with their heads and foil their plans...)
love,
a
The worst thing about coming home is seeing these people, and realizing that I've totally failed to make connections like that at college.
I have the feeling Athrylis (my little sister who just came home from college to stay with me over her winter holiday) is having these exact feelings right now.