The Kit Kat Club

medication drama!

2009-11-06T05:34:38Z

Like I mentioned before, I've decided to quit taking my Abilify. Doing so has really helped me more than I could have ever imagined. It's like, I didn't realize how bad things had gotten till I went off it. Now, I feel like so many of my memories from the past few months are just...marred by this film of panic and anxiety.

Today, I went to work. I was freaking out a little beforehand because of last time. But I got on the register and I was fine. I was more than fine. I still totally had moments of "Oh my God, I don't know what to do here" and I had to holler for help. But only, like...5-7 times, maybe. And besides, I didn't let it overwhelm me when I did screw up or get confused or I had a line forming.

Plus, I was able to look customers in the eye and talk with my coworkers like a normal person.

So screw you, Abilify. You and Provigil are totally on my shit list.

It was a long day, though. Our holiday hours just started, I guess, so we're open til 10 instead of 9. 5-hour shift, and that was after class and an hour's bus ride. It was nice to go home and collapse on the couch and watch The Daily Show and Scrubs.

Also, I got paid. $99. Meh. I need at least one more paycheck before I can buy my new camera.

I've been drafting my letter to the Oberlin medical leave committee, essentially begging them to let me come back. This is apparently a required part of the process. It is kind of a pain -- I don't know what I should be writing or how much detail I need to be going into. Basically I've outlined everything I've been up to since I got home (regular therapy, medication management, two classes and a job), and everything I plan to do to make myself successful on my return.

God, am I ever ready to go back. I know what I need. I need a roommate to provide me with some level of normalcy in my life -- you know, someone who will silently judge me if I sleep through class or don't clean the room. (Seriously! The silent judging helps! Even if it's just in my head.) I need to be involved in activities beyond Piscapo's Arm and OMTA. (I'm thinking either the swing dancing or the fencing ExCo.) I need a job. And above all else, I need to spend more time with people. Yes, it will be hard and I might not always like it, but I did myself no favors last year by shutting myself away so much. It is completely detrimental to my work habits and mental health. It doesn't matter how crappy or guilty or sad I'm feeling -- I'm going to seek out people and spend time with them instead of wallowing.

So my friends should probably know that I intend to be more of an ever-present pain in the ass.

elfmanfan @ 2009-11-03T17:53:00

2009-11-03T23:07:22Z

I got some bad, very unexpected news my last day in Oberlin. I was talking to the dean about returning next semester, and about winter term specifically, and he said "So you're probably going to do an off-campus individual project, right?"

Um, no. I'd been planning on returning to Oberlin during January and doing the weaving seminar winter term, both because it looks interesting and because Jessie and Ray are doing it as well. But when I told him that, he told me he didn't think that was a good idea, and that I probably wouldn't be allowed to do it. Why? Because Oberlin in January is rather empty and devoid of its usual services and support networks, and given my situation, he doesn't think it would be a good "transition" for me to make. He'd rather I come back to campus in Febrary, when normalcy resumes.

This kind of devastated me. I've been counting down the days till January 6, not February 6. I'm still pretty damn upset, and annoyed at the implication that I somehow need this huge safety net to fall into. As long as I have friends around (and at least 4 of my friends are planning to be on campus), I feel like I'll be fine. I can appeal the decision, but I don't think it's something I'll win. I don't know, though.

At any rate, I do apparently need to be looking into other options for winter term. I do not like this. And unfortunately, the deadlines for applying to go to Israel (which is the option that appeals to me most) have already passed. There's a small chance I could still get in on an environmental studies trip to Israel, but given that a) the deadline passed, b) I have no experience with environmental studies, and c) it costs $2000, that's probably not going to happen.

So...I don't know. I e-mailed Garden State Equality, a gay marriage advocacy group, to see if they'd be interested in having an intern during January. They haven't gotten back to me yet.

I'm not quite sure what my other options would be. I feel stuck, and rushed, and like I don't have time to come up with a project on such short notice. I'm rather unhappy about it all.

Compromise; the best way to solve problems.

2009-10-29T04:46:38Z

I believe I've resolved my Halloween dilemma (that is, whether I should be Tom Baker, be sexy, or be sexy Tom Baker).

No, I didn't decide to go with Sexy Tom Baker. Something about that thought disturbs me, and a strategically placed scarf would be difficult to maneuver in (though I do hope to get a picture of that).

So I've decided -- during the day, I will be Tom Baker. Grey pants. Suspenders. Patterned button-up shirt. Long coat. EPIC SCARF OF EPICNESS. And a brown fedora.

But for the evening, when it would be to my advantage to look as smexy as possible, I'm going to change into my Asian-style dress. (Here's a picture for reference.) Yeah, it was my prom dress two and a half years ago. I don't know what exactly I'd tell people if they ask me what I am; I guess a geisha or something.

Of course, my other option, which I'm also considering, is to throw on that dress and a bunch of gay pride buttons and stuff and declare myself a GAYsha. Thoughts on which would be more awesome?

Funny thing is, that Asian-style dress? Did not fit me so well back then. It was not "shaped" and, let's face it, neither was I. It was hanging off my skinny ass. But actually, now that I've put on like 16 pounds and gotten boobs, it looks TEN TIMES MORE FABULOUS. So I'm pretty happy about that.

Also, I found my driver's permit. I've been looking for it for months. MONTHS. It was in such a random place; I never would have found it if I hadn't decided to go through an old photo album while I was cleaning.

I guess this means I should start taking driving lessons, but, as I've mentioned, being in cars lately = panic attacks. So I'm not so sure. I really want my license, but is there some way I can get it without, you know, driving?

Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good

2009-10-25T06:52:07Z

The good:

-Like most people I know, I watched Glee on Wednesday and have been listening to Puck's rendition of "Sweet Caroline" pretty much on a loop ever since then. Boy has a VOICE.

-I also downloaded Florence & the Machine's "Lungs," and Tegan and Sara's "The Con." Yay, new music!

-This Wednesday will be our last day of monologue work in Theater. As I've said 238974 times before: that class frustrates the hell out of me. Can't stand sitting still for hours at a time watching bad actors perform. But I must say that some of the most unlikely people have come a long long way with their monologues, and I can actually enjoy watching their performances. It's a pleasant surprise. Plus, of course, my monologue is fierce as hell and was one of the few to get applause from the class when I last performed it. So there's that.

-I cleaned and vacuumed my room hardcore today. It looks great.

-I just re-watched "Turn Left." I used to not be sure how I felt about that episode, but now I think I sort of love it. Catherine Tate is absolutely brilliant in it. I cry every time. And the look on the Doctor's face after he hears the words "Bad Wolf"? GOD.

I still don't quite understand Billie Piper's apparent mouthful of marbles in season 4, though.

-I leave for Oberlin in less than a week.

The bad:

-steel_lily09 legit has swine flu and can't accompany me to Oberlin. This totally blows. I feel really bad. The trip is still going to be 100% awesome, but that's 100% as compared to the 200% awesome it would have been if she'd come. Gahhhh get better soon Roomsauce (I say as I'm talking to her right now).

Also, now I'm all weirdly insecure because I feel like my Oberlin friends wanted to meet a cool new person, and now that it's just me they'll be like "Oh. Ok."

-I'm not sure if my hat for my Halloween costume is going to arrive in time. If it doesn't, I will have a brown fedora for no good reason.

-I'm a little worried my Halloween costume is just going to suck in general. I mean, no one's going to get it, for one thing, but it's also not totally accurate and the scarf doesn't look fabulous and gah. I've worked so hard, I just want it to be awesome.

-On Tuesday, my Child Psych professor tried to spell "somnambulism" on the board. She wrote "sommabulism." That was when I got up and left. CAN'T. DEAL. WITH. STUPID. PROFESSORS.

This movie would go straight to DVD

2009-10-16T05:43:14Z

You have to choose the ACTORS who will play:
- Yourself a.k.a. the main character
- The true love
- The "mistake"
- The true love's best friend
- The rival
- Mom
- Dad
- Sister/brother (or both)
- The best friend
- The pet
- The city

And now you have to choose YOUR PERSONAL SOUNDTRACK, of course:
- Opening credits
- Falling in love
- The kiss
- Sex
- The break up
- The psychological breakdown
- Shopping with friends
- Getting back together
- End Credits

Myself aka the main character
Alexis Bledel

HAHA YEAH BECAUSE I'LL EVER BE AS PRETTY AS HER -_-

The true love
Billie Piper

...I mean, just 'cause.

The "mistake"
Ryan Reynolds

He reminds me so much of my ex, Andrew (who was a HUGE mistake).

The true love's best friend
Freema Agyeman

Maybe I could be having a little somethin-somethin on the side with the true love's best friend, know what I'm sayinnnn.

The rival
Rachel McAdams

On the grounds that she's so pretty I hate her a little.

Mom
Allison Janney

She is so awesome it hurts a little, and Juno has taught me that she is the coolest (step)mom ever.

Dad
Woody Allen

Those of you who know my dad will kindly note that the resemblance is UNCANNY.

Sister/brother
Vitas

We'll have to work around the fact that he is Russian and also not an actor.

The best friend
Sarah Chalke

Elliott Reid is essentially a mashup of most of my best friends, so I figure this works.

The pet
This is dumb. No acting-cat is as awesome as my cats.

The city
PHILADELPHIA SUCKAAAAAAS

Opening credits
Tegan and Sara -- When I Get Up (WARNING: This video is the song set to clips from the L Word. There is girlkissing and nudity. NSFW!)

I don't need company
In the company of you
And I don't need love
'Cause your love will do
And I've got you... and you've got me
And that's all we need

Falling in love
Nightmare of You -- The Days Go By Oh So Slow

But your blonde hair and gaping eyes
send tingles down my nervous spine
And now the days go by, They go by oh so slow

The kiss
Ella Fitzgerald -- Our Love Is Here To Stay

But, oh my dear, our love is here to stay.
Together were going a long, long way.
In time the rockies may crumble,
Gibraltar may tumble, they’re only made of clay.
But our love is here to stay.

Sex
Lamb -- Gorecki (no embedding, unfortunately)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtIeH_J-SiI
Could we stay right here
Till the end of time, until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The breakup
Tegan and Sara -- Where Does The Good Go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken it won't happen

The psychological breakdown
Brand New -- Jesus Christ

Well Jesus Christ
I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days
You were dead?
'Cause this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Shopping with friends (we went straight from psychological breakdown to shopping with friends?)
Mika -- Lollipop

Mama told me what I should know,
Too much candy gonna rot your soul,
If she loves you, let her go,
'Cause love only gets you down.

Getting back together
Rilo Kiley -- With Arms Outstretched

Now it's 16 miles to the promised land
And I promise you I'm doing the best I can
Now some days, they last longer than others
But this day by the lake went too fast
And if you want me, you better speak up I won't wait
So you better move fast

End credits
Paul Simon -- Slip-Slidin' Away

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

elfmanfan @ 2009-10-12T16:55:00

2009-10-12T21:06:47Z

I win at public transportation!

I got the bus both to and from the Marketplace with minimal trouble today. I was only a little bit awkward about it, too. I got on and was like "WHERE IS MONEY GO? I GOING PLACE WITH GROCERIES. YOU TAKE ME." But I managed to not miss my stops or anything like that.

I am having a Halloween-related dilemma. I've been planning to go as Tom Baker a.k.a the Fourth Doctor a.k.a the One With the Scarf. But I've been...reconsidering. See, I enjoy looking girly and sexy (or at least as sexy as it's possible for me to look -_-), and Tom Baker is...well...neither girly nor sexy.

So what would my alternative be? Probably just throwing on my Renaissance-style dress. Or I could reprise my costume from sophomore year, which was a Chinese-style dress and a rainbow wristband. I was a GAYsha, you see. (Yeah, that was a lazy Halloween.)

I don't know. Your thoughts? Should I be pretty and elegant on Halloween, or should I be an eccentric middle-aged man?

I am capable of not being political I SWEAR.

2009-10-11T03:23:50Z

So the Big Deal today is Obama's promise to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Lots of reactions, obviously. Twitter is all afire with it.

Now, like any person in their right mind, I oppose DADT. I'm not even sure what the logic behind it is -- somehow, apparently, having an openly gay soldier will destroy the "moral fabric" of the Army/Navy/whathaveyou? It's absurd, and is just another example of the homophobia that annoys me the most -- this notion that GLBTQ people are somehow bestial, uncivilized, and immoral.

I wish I could say that DADT is simply useless, but it's worse than that -- it's detrimental. We can't afford to be losing soldiers and potential soldiers.

Obama has, I believe, said a few times, both in the campaign and during his presidency, that he opposes the law and intends to repeal it. A lot of people are crying impatiently for it to happen now, no more waiting, no more promises, it's time for action.

Me? I'm...actually ok with waiting. I know that may be an unpopular opinion, and maybe I'd feel differently if the law affected me directly, rather than affecting my fellow GLBTQ people. But I don't mind waiting.

Listen, contrary to popular belief and also this picture, Obama is not Superman. There is no way he can possibly do all the things people are clamoring for. He has to do what we all do -- prioritize.

And you know what the priority is right now? I'm sorry to be seemingly cold and calculating about this, but if you look at it as a numbers game, the priority is healthcare reform. Yes, DADT affects thousands of soldiers and potential soldiers. But there are 46 million Americans without health insurance, and even those of us who do have coverage get screwed over by our providers.

Healthcare is an entirely broken system. DADT is comparatively tiny.

All I ask, Obama, is that you do follow through on this promise. Whether it's a year, three years, or seven years from now -- don't let us down. Do what you need to do with healthcare and other huge issues (like the wars), but when the time is right -- don't let us down.

More two cents from the girl who pretends to know shit about politics and stuff

2009-10-10T02:27:01Z

So obviously the entire internet is in an uproar over Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. People on Facebook are getting really stupid about it. "Ahurhurhur, hey, I deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for wiping my ass! Apparently that's all you need to do to deserve it! Hurrhurhurr." So I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents on Corynn's Facebook status, since the internet is the only place where people occasionally give a crap what I have to say about politics -_-

I agree that it's maybe premature, that maybe he hasn't achieved concrete results enough for it to be 100% merited.

But I also think one of my friends said it best when he said "It's a clear declaration of his intents, if not his results."

And Obama himself said “I will accept this award as a call to action, a call to all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st Century.”

No one, not even the people who awarded it to him, have claimed it's because of something specific he has done so far, but rather because of the efforts he is making to further international peace and prosperity. Which is a hell of a lot more than you could say for our last president. And I hope that these beginning efforts will pay off in the years to come and show the world that awarding him this prize was not a foolish move.

That, and he has led the youth of America to give a shit about politics; to campaign, canvass, protest, and act out. And I think that's something in and of itself.

So, yeah...I was surprised by the choice, and I'm not 1000% convinced he deserved it over other nominees....but at the same time I don't think awarding him the prize was ridiculous or unfounded.

And Hillary Clinton made my favorite remark so far: "Certainly from our standpoint, this gives us a sense of momentum - when the United States has accolades tossed its way, rather than shoes."

Four for you, Hillary Coco. You go, Hillary Coco.

As time goes on, I'm getting more and more fed up with my classes. My Child Psych professor (if you can even call her that) is the stupidest teacher figure I've had to deal with since AP Bio, and if you knew or heard stories about my AP Bio teacher, that is saying something. The information she presents is disjointed, nonsensical and sometimes flat-out WRONG, but I don't bother correcting her because she'd never admit to making a mistake. As in AP Bio, I feel like I'm actually un-learning things I used to know.

And Theater is just...well, picture sitting still for two and a half hours, while people who can't act and don't care about learning to act make travesties of beautiful monologues. That's basically what it is. When I can actually get up there and perform, I enjoy it because I know I'm doing well and learning to do better. But I can't sit still for very long under the best of circumstances, and these are not the best of circumstances.

I should be having orientation at Best Buy sometime this week. I'm excited and kind of terrified; I've never had to work in such a high-stress environment and I don't know how well I will handle it.

Today is rated 9.5 out of 9.5 possible millirahms

2009-10-06T21:21:01Z

SO UH HEY GUYS.

After job searching pretty much nonstop for 5 months...

After being let down by that douchebag Good2Go place that offered me a job...

After being flat broke all summer and making like $40 a week at the candy store...

I GOT A JOB AT BEST BUY.

I am praying that is not like bluecanary77 said, with the harrassment and sexism and whatnot, but I swear at this point I'd barely care.

I just care that I got a job.

View Poll: #1467420

TODAY I AM AS AWESOME AS RAHM EMANUEL.

Let Bartlet be Bartlet

2009-10-06T03:59:20Z

The Daily Show made me really unhappy tonight. Not because it wasn't funny, mind you, though Jon has a cold which makes me want to tuck him up in bed and take care of him.

No, it just really pointed out to me some things that are pissing me the hell off about this administration lately. Namely, the way Democrats are completely pussying out on the most important issues facing the country -- healthcare and environmental sustainability.

I never thought I'd find myself saying this, because I really am all for bipartisanship. I was happy, at first, that efforts were being made to cooperate and come up with plans that not only pleased both sides, but which served the American people as well.

But Republicans are attacking healthcare reform with baseless and unfounded arguments which are, to be honest, ridiculous. Furthermore, they have offered no viable alternative to the Democrats' proposals to which they object so strenuously. On top of that, they are flat-out ignoring the science that is SCREAMING proof of dire global climate change caused by humans (and mostly by America).

The Right is no longer serving in the best interests of the American people. They do not want every American citizen to have health insurance. They do not want a clean and healthy country for future generations. They are no longer doing what is best for America.

And when that's the case, well, sorry Obama, but it's time to go over their pin-shaped heads. The smiles and charm melt hearts (they've melted mine), but it's time to get tough. The Cap and Trade system will not do nearly enough to reduce carbon emissions. It's not nearly tough enough on the companies producing this waste.

This goes for all Democratic elected officials: Stop trying to make everyone happy. Stop genuflecting in front of health insurance companies, fuel companies, and Republicans. Maybe you're not used to being in power, but Rahm Emanuel helped you win back the country in 2006 and it's time to show him some gratitude and start acting like you're in control. You have the power to push strong, meaningful reform through and make America a better place to live. Stop worrying about re-election, stop worrying about campaign funds -- for once, do something because it's what's right for the American people. And that's who you're serving.

~*SIGH*~ /Ranting by the girl who's never taken a politics class and doesn't really know what the hell she's talking about.

I have two interviews tomorrow. Best Buy (final interview) and Barnes and Noble (first interview). Slightly worried about what I'll do if both of them are offered to me. At any rate, wish me luck.

hurr durr ;_;

2009-10-05T20:02:54Z

Sometimes I gotta ask myself: Why is it that I fail so hard at so many basic elements of human functioning?

Like taking the bus.

Today I sat at a bus stop for an hour. I wanted practice in taking the bus to the Marketplace, in case I get a job at Best Buy or Barnes & Noble. It's a little complicated, so I wanted to do it on a day when I had nothing else to worry about.

I'd apparently just missed a bus, because the bus schedule and when the bus actually arrives have NO RELATION TO EACH OTHER. It's supposed to get there at 2:30? Nah, it'll show up at 2:10 and make you wait for an hour for the next one.

So I sat, I don't really mind waiting as long as I have my iPod. FINALLY, I see the bus coming, so I stand right next to the sign that says "BOARD HERE." Yo guys, I want to board. I'm going to get on the bus. Here comes the bus. Here comes the...what the fuck, it drove straight past me.

Are you serious.

Why do I fail so hard at everything.

I basically cried, then went and bought chocolate to make myself feel better. It's Cadbury time, bitches.

This meme forces me to accept how much damn TV I watch.

2009-10-04T21:37:48Z

Name a TV show series in which you have seen every episode at least twice:
Doctor Who. I've watched each and every episode at least twice, and watched the good ones more like 8 or 10 times each. I know for a fact I've only seen the "Daleks in Manhattan" serial twice, though. Know why? IT SUCKS.

Name a (current) show you can't miss:
The Daily Show. I spend a lot of time holed up in my room, but four days a week I emerge for that.

Name an actor that would make you more inclined to watch a show:
Oh man, just one? Well...to be honest, I would watch David Tennant read the phone book. I'd PAY to watch David Tennant read the phone book. I will see anything that man does.

Name an actor who would make you less likely to watch a show:
Um...I don't have an answer for this question. If it looks good, I'll watch it.

Name a show you can, and do, quote from:
Scrubs. "My name actually IS Debbie!" "Oh. Well then, in the interest of fairness, I shall call you Slagathor."

Name a show you like that no one else enjoys:
Um, Beauty and the Geek needs to be brought back like NOW.

Name a TV show to which you’ve been known to sing the theme song:
Gilmore Girls. If you're out on the road, feelin' lonely and so cold...

Name a show you would recommend everyone to watch:
PUSHING DAISIES I swear to you you will have a crush on this show. Not even a character in the show, you will have a CRUSH on the SHOW.

Name a TV series you own:
Urhurr, I own a ton. Yay torrents >.>;; Torchwood, I own all of Torchwood, even the Miniseries Which Shall Not Be Named.

What is your favorite episode of your favorite series?
"The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances," from Doctor Who.

A show you mean to watch, but you just haven’t gotten around to yet:
True Blood. It WILL happen.

Ever quit watching a show because it was so bad?
I have major show loyalty; even when a series totally jumps the shark I keep watching it and defend it to the death.

Name a show you aren't interested in watching, not in the least:
Tosh.0. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL WHO WOULD WATCH THAT.

Name a show that’s made you cry multiple times:
Hey, uh, let's talk about the season 2 finale of Doctor Who. Wait, you know what? Let's talk about EVERY season finale of Doctor Who except maybe season 3.

Oldest TV show you like?
I'm going to stick with seussian's answer -- Fawlty Towers! So good!

Newest TV show you like?
Glee. I have my issues with it, but they all vanish the moment Matthew Morrison comes on screen.

What do you eat when you watch TV?
Whatever. Chocolate, usually.

How often do you watch TV?
Not as often as it seems, because I have most of my favorite shows downloaded or on DVD. I'm only really following The Daily Show and Glee.

Do you have a favorite talk show?
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. UM DUH <3

What’s the last TV show you watched?
The West Wing. I'm almost done with season 2!

What’s your favourite/preferred genre of TV?
Wow, that's a hard question to answer. I have a thing for snappy super-fast dialogue (Gilmore Girls, The West Wing), I like some sci fi (Doctor Who, Torchwood, Firefly), I LOVE good humor (Scrubs, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, Flight of the Conchords), and uh, Pushing Daisies is just adorable?

What's your least favourite genre of TV?
I hate most reality shows. Also, Disney channel shows like iCarly are sort of like trainwrecks to me. When I watch them I want to vomit but I can't tear my eyes away.

What was the first TV show you were obsessed with?
Invader Zim. ShutupIwassuchadork >.>

What TV show do you wish you never watched?
Torchwood's Miniseries Which Shall Not Be Named. I think me and Torchwood may be fucking done professionally after that.

What’s the weirdest show you enjoyed?
Pushing Daisies, when you try to describe it to other people, makes them go "WHAT???"
Also, The L Word pretended to be realistic but it was pretty absurd.

What TV show scared you the most?
The West Wing doesn't scare me in a traditional sense, but man, every time one of the characters gets angry I kind of want to curl up and hide. That's some good acting right there.

What is the funniest TV show you have ever watched?
Scrubs. "I'm still in the chair! It's like a bear trap!"

Which do you think is the best TV series ever made?
Hardest. Question. Ever. You know, I'm NOT going to say Doctor Who, because it is pretty terrible at times. I think...I think I gotta go with the first four seasons of Gilmore Girls. They were BRILLIANT, and then season 5 happened and everything went downhill.

Hum dee dum. 3 days of work this week = more money than usual.

It's the last night of the Greek Agora, and I want to go with Corynn but she's being stupid and not answering texts :D :D :D I LOVE YOU CORYNN <3

I had a lovely weekend up in New Brunswick with DJ and April...we went to the Hyatt Regency's bar for DJ's birthday, I had a really nice time with them and all their friends, and I discovered that I have a bit of a talent for pool.

And I have an interview at Best Buy on Tuesday. SO not getting my hopes up because when that happens, things fall through.

'Cause I've got you, and you've got me

2009-09-30T04:25:59Z

So I'm still going to complain, but not about my personal life for once. No, here's what's been bugging me as of late:

Ok, I think it was said best on the West Wing, though I can't dig up the exact quote: "Why is there this assumption that gay people can't keep their hands to themselves?"

First of all: don't flatter yourself. Where did you get this idea that you're somehow completely irresistible to GLBTQ members of your own sex? You're not, just like you're not irresistible to every member of the opposite sex. I don't find every girl attractive any more than I find every guy attractive.

But let's assume for a moment that I do find you, as a woman, attractive. Here's the thing: I'm not an idiot. I know you're straight. And not only am I not an idiot, I'm also not any kind of sexual offender. Trust me, I will leave you alone. Now listen up, because I would hope I'm speaking for most GLBTQ people here: We respect you. We understand that you're not interested, and we're not going to waste our time pursuing you -- any more than you would pursue someone who's happily married. Seriously! It's that simple! In the interest of full disclosure, yes, I have remarked jokingly to my attractive straight female friends things like "It's a shame you're straight." But I would not cross any sort of line with them.

I know that I should maybe be more concerned with uber-fundamentalist-conservatives who think that all gays should go to Hell. And I am. But this kind of latent prejudice really and sincerely frustrates me. It tells me that even people who claim to be open-minded and progressive have some kind of deep-seated notion that gay people are somehow inherently bestial and without control.

Let me reiterate it: We respect you. We respect that you're not interested. We are mature adults and able to control ourselves. We're not going to waste our time. We're not going to molest you. Now shut up and be our friend.

("But Carolyn," you say, "Didn't you pursue and pine after a girl who told you she wasn't interested for like, four months?" Yes. But she had a rainbow shoelace on her backpack and also smiled at me and talked to me, and that's just not fair to my gaydar. She deserved it.)

Today started out pretty failtastic. I'm starting to really hate my Child Psych class. The professor is a total idiot, and my classmates aren't much better. I had to call her out on a test question she marked wrong -- "What is the clear sac which cushions and supports a fetus?" The amnion, HURRDURR. But she marked it wrong, saying it was the placenta. UM, NO. And why did I have to call her out on it? Because everyone else in the class said it was the placenta as well. I did get her to admit her mistake, but man, I shouldn't have had to. Know your subject, lady, or shut up and get out of the classroom. I'll teach. Plus, our textbook is all "Yay formula-feeding and C-sections! Boo, breastfeeding, co-sleeping and natural childbirth!" Which, NO. Just NO.

But, I got my usual delicious lunch at Grooveground, then came home and ate cookies and watched a particularly good episode of The West Wing ("The Stackhouse Filibuster").

But basically the best part about my week is that tomorrow I'm going to meet Kris for dinner at Cosi, and then stay over with her and Maggie. WIN.

Also, here's a really beautiful Tegan and Sara song: "When I Get Up."
http://www.sendspace.com/file/ultssl

Why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?

2009-09-17T06:46:10Z

Week meme!:
Day one: a song
Day two: a picture
Day three: a book/ebook/fanfic
Day four: a site
Day five: a youtube clip
Day six: a quote
Day seven: whatever tickles your fancy

I'm posting a few, because I can't make up my mind about anything. This first one I feel is both hilarious and important. Hilarious because it showcases just how insane Republicans and the anti-health-reform people really are -- important because it actually provides a lot of information we all should know about healthcare and the administration's policies. Basically, this guy attended the recent "Tea Party" in D.C and went around interviewing protestors. None of the ones shown had the foggiest f-ing idea what they were talking about. Like I said on Facebook -- it's funny, assuming you can keep your blood pressure down for ten minutes. I couldn't. I spent the first five minutes willing my head not to explode, and the second five minutes crying for humanity and America.

Next up: Ernie singing "I Don't Want To Live On The Moon." I just. I don't even know. I cry at it, ok?

Next: Most of the Doctor's companions' departures from him, throughout history, from Doctors One to Ten -- set to the "Doomsday" theme music. Sorry, this one's really dorky, but I cry at it too.

Time for some West Wing love! President Bartlet -- high on painkillers.
"Which did you take, Mr. President, the Vicodin or the Percocet?"
".......I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?"

Riding In Cars With Anxiety-Ridden People

2009-09-16T04:15:50Z

So, lately, I can't ride in cars. I really can't. Why? Because I have panic attacks every single time I get in one. Well, not EVERY time; for the most part it's every time we go on the highway. WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHY, but it is seriously uncool. Is it my medication wreaking havoc with me again? Abilify really does seem to ramp up my panic-attack potential.

Or is it because I'm preparing to actually take driving lessons and get my license, so I'm paying much more attention to what driving entails -- and I'm realizing how FREAKING TERRIFYING it is? I don't mind the idea of just driving around the simple two-lane roads in my town, but highways? Forget about it. Merging, switching lanes -- it's just not going to happen.

I'm 98% sure that when I do start my driving lessons, I am legitimately going to start hyperventilating and crying at the wheel. I don't want to do this, I don't want to drive, but I need to if I want to have even the smallest modicum of autonomy.

At any rate, this new little habit of mine made the drive to the Renaissance Faire verrrry interesting.
Week meme!:
Day one: a song
Day two: a picture
Day three: a book/ebook/fanfic
Day four: a site
Day five: a youtube clip
Day six: a quote
Day seven: whatever tickles your fancy

Cracked.com -- 100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines.
I laughed so hard I cried at this. Fair warning -- when you start clicking around Cracked.com, it's hard to stop.

A Facebook Haggadah.
Ok, it's not Passover season anymore, not anywhere near. But this is HILARIOUS. Passover in Facebook form.

And, finally, Sockdreams.com
In case you love socks and stockings as much as I do.

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name?

2009-09-15T04:52:46Z

On Saturday I had what felt to me like a minor heart attack.

I was on the corner of 16th and Locust when I saw a group of people walk by on the opposite side of the street. Bringing up the rear was a heavyset girl dressed all in black, with short curly dark hair and thick-rimmed glasses. She was chain-smoking and holding hands with a girl.

...Zoe?

I went so far as to yell her name, but she didn't hear me. Or maybe it wasn't her. But maybe she just didn't hear. I couldn't seem to get my voice to work. I felt cold and numb and couldn't stop shaking.

It's been five years. It's not nearly so bad as it used to be. But I still think about her every day. And apparently, the sight of her -- or maybe not her -- still sends me into a complete meltdown.

If it was her, I don't think I could forgive myself for not getting her attention. It's one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. But I'll never know if it was her.

I still need to know why.

Here it is, your moment of zen.

2009-09-14T05:45:30Z

Week meme!:
Day one: a song
Day two: a picture
Day three: a book/ebook/fanfic
Day four: a site
Day five: a youtube clip
Day six: a quote
Day seven: whatever tickles your fancy

</a>

Restart Carolyn in Safety Mode.

2009-09-13T04:48:54Z

I feel like I've lost the ability to have strong romantic feelings for people.

I used to get crazy intense crushes on people, and I used to have crazy intense feelings for the people I dated. Like, near-physical-pain, falling-all-over-myself, stupid crushes and feelings.

And now, even when there's someone who's perfect for me, and I'm perfect for them...it's like I don't really feel anything. Not like I used to. I don't get butterflies anymore.

Nathan suggested that maybe I'm in "Safety Mode." "Why would I be in safety mode?" I asked him. "After all you have been through, babe," he replied.

What? I haven't "been through" anything. Not really. I've been let down, disappointed, and betrayed by people I loved and trusted. But who hasn't? I haven't been hurt any worse than most teenage girls, I don't think.

Nathan and I are basically perfect for each other. I love talking to him. But I don't have that feeling. I don't get the butterflies I had two years ago for him. Admittedly, between then and now he hurt and betrayed me pretty badly. Is that why I can't quite let myself be happy with the idea of being with him? That doesn't feel like the reason, but it would make sense. You'd think I'd understand why I feel the way I do, but I don't.

It's not just him, either. It's been a long time since I REALLY felt those powerful, giddy feelings for someone. I've tried to make myself feel them, I've tried to be happy with people, and I just never quite can. Why? I miss having those feelings. I want to feel like I did in senior year, with Marina. Even though I felt like a galumphing, hurr-durr, idiot spaz around her...I miss having someone who could make my heart turn over.

Other things:
-I am going to the Renaissance Faire with steel_lily09 tomorrow and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED oh my god.
-Charles Darwin film "too controversial for America. Excuse me while I lose all faith in my country. Where's my passport, I'm going back to Canada.
-I might -- maybe maybe maybe -- get to play Jessica in a production of "The Merchant of Venice." MAYBE. That would rock.
-Oh my god. iTunes just lost all my music. CRAAAAAAAAP.

Week meme!:
~~Day one: a song~~
Day two: a picture
Day three: a book/ebook/fanfic
Day four: a site
Day five: a youtube clip
Day six: a quote
Day seven: whatever tickles your fancy

Feist :: Brandy Alexander
http://www.sendspace.com/file/ka0g2q
Though I'd like to be the girl for him
And cross the sea and land for him
On milky skin my tongue is sand until
The ever distant band begins to play
He's my Brandy Alexander
Always gets me into trouble
But that's another matter
Brandy Alexander

Writer's Block: Peek-a-boo, what to do?

2009-09-10T15:57:24Z

If your friend or partner left his or her email open, would you look? How about a journal? Have you ever peeked at something private?

View 834 Answers

Back in the day, I knew my boyfriend's Myspace password -- he'd given it to me for some reason or another. So, out of curiosity, one day I logged in as him and looked at his inbox. Mostly, you understand, to see if there was anything about me.

I wasn't expecting to see this saved e-mail conversation between him and his friend Erin. She'd been complaining about being eternally single -- to which he replied something along the lines of "Well, when Carolyn and I break up I'll only want to be with you."

Which was charming, you know, to find out that your boyfriend is planning the end of your relationship and lining up a successor. Especially when you're stupid crazy in love and never want to be with anyone else.

Not one of the better moments of my life.

Conversations with my nephew

2009-09-08T02:04:29Z

Lysander: "You should come mini golfing with us next time!"
Me: "Well, I'm not very good at mini golf."
Lysander: "You're not? What are you very good at?"
Me: "...Um. Nothing, actually."
Lysander: "You're not very good at ANYTHING? So...what do you do? What do you do all day?"

...Good question, little man. Good question.

I had a really lovely day today with DJ, April and Trinity.

It's all somewhat marred by the fact that yesterday, I phoned Good2Go -- can I point out at this moment that I've been calling them once a week for two months at this point? -- to ask if I could get started this week. "Oh, well I'm making the schedule up tomorrow. Can I give you a call tomorrow?" "Sure, absolutely."

Today came and went. At 8:30 p.m, I called them myself. No answer. I left a message. No one got back to me.

I do not know what the hell is wrong with these people. The way they have treated me is utterly fucking unprofessional. My interviewer literally DID NOT SHOW UP for our scheduled interview a few weeks back, they don't call when they say they will, and now they don't answer when I call? What the hell is going on here?

I'm just lost. I have no job. I have no money. I'm completely and utterly shit out of luck.

I don't know what to do.

Well you haven't got a lot to say, but you never wanna stop. You always wanna feel this way.

2009-08-30T06:31:26Z

Yours Sincerely, Wasting Away: My mix for summer 2009.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RNXCPXCP

01. Regina Spektor :: Eet
It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can’t believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to feel the beat

02. Paul Simon :: Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes
She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
He's a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose

03. The World/Inferno Friendship Societ :: Ich Erinnere Mich An Die Weimarer Republik
Pirate Jenny, she bought the bar,
Now everybody works for her
And Sally Bowles' 'Mein Herr' bit took off
And she's a star

04. The Format :: Let's Make This Moment A Crime
We just got to take our time
It's like nothing really matters,
So let's make this moment a crime
I know, I know you’re left behind

05. We're About 9 :: For One More
And we could spend that whole night believing
That something about us ever was right.
And in the morning you'll wake up alone,
An unknown in the scheme I could never condone,
Oh, but for one more night in your arms,
My soul will be tarnished, my dignity blown

06. Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin :: Think I Wanna Die
Will you ever know what you do to me?
I’m on my broken knees, no end of sorrow.
Sorry if that’s twee but it’s tomorrow’s hope.

07. Rilo Kiley :: Frug
And I can hate your girl
I can tell you that she's real pretty
I can take my clothes off
I cannot fall in love
You'll never see my eyes
I will not call you back
I cannot do the smurf
I cannot fall in love
I'll never fall in love
I cannot fall in love

08. Frou Frou :: Maddening Shroud
Sometimes I like to get away from the saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to track it in
Maybe it's time for me to throw...

09. Tegan and Sara :: Nineteen
I felt you in my legs before I ever met you
And when I laid beside you for the first time I told you
"I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you"
And now we’re saying bye, bye, bye

10. Iron and Wine :: Flightless Bird, American Mouth
I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

11. The Beatles :: When I'm 64
Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view.
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, Wasting Away.

12. Kate Nash :: Merry Happy/Little Red
Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learnt from you
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
...
Well, this little girl grew up and moved away.
And she lived her life full of risk and full of play.
And she lived her life with so much to say,
And her flowers, they grow more beautiful every day.

Some days you're the bug.

2009-08-24T00:39:09Z

Today started off really well. Cute OKCupid girl wrote back to me after a month, and added me on Facebook. Waking up to that, I figured, the rest of the day couldn't be that bad, right?

Wrong. I experienced a fairly major crisis at work. We serve water ice, and our freezer's been acting up -- freezing everything so it's hard as a rock. At my boss's suggestion, I unplugged the freezer to let the water ice soften up on a 90-degree day when a lot of people would be ordering it.

Well. Despite the fact that I had been repeatedly warned against this, and despite the fact that my boss himself was a cautionary tale, having done the same thing a few days ago and subsequently having to throw out three tubs of water ice...I forgot to plug the freezer back in at the end of the day. And when did I realize this? When I was leaving, after I'd already securely locked both doors. Two tubs of water ice will sit overnight and melt, and will most likely have to be thrown away.

I tried everything in the world to get back into the building and remedy the mistake, up to and including calling the police to see if they'd let me back in. No go. Finally, I called my boss's house and spoke to his wife, who relayed the message to him. All he said was "Okay." Which I guess means he plans to drive to the store and fix my mistake, or not and let the water ice melt. Either way, there's apparently nothing more for me to do.

Now, this may not sound like a big deal. And I guess in the grand scheme of the world at large, it's really not. But the fact remains that I made a dumb mistake, and I disappointed my boss, and I cost us money. My boss, incidentally, has already proven himself to be the most forgiving man on earth. In my two years working there, I have a) undercharged a customer by $40, b) overslept and been half a freaking hour late to open the store, and now this. I do not deserve the kindness he shows me. So I've been sitting here for three and a half hours just despising myself. Chewed off my nails, picked at my skin till it bled, and pulled out a big ol' chunk of hair.

And then, just to cap things off, I called Good2Go to ask them if I could come in and work tomorrow, since I'm going down to Ocean City on Tuesday and won't be back till Saturday. The answer was no. I can come in and start next week, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm making a bad impression, having been so unavailable these two weeks.

My last three entries have basically been miserable. When are things going to start going my way again?

Well that's the way she lose those walkin' blues...diamonds on the soles of her shoes

2009-08-17T18:25:19Z

Had my interview with 1812 Productions today. It went really, really well. They seemed like a really laid-back, fun group of people, and the guy interviewing me was a total sweetheart. And I think I basically impressed the hell out of him. (I impressed myself, anyway, by not falling apart and turning into a gibbering basket case.) He was talking about how part of the internship would involve helping him out with various social networking and marketing sites, like Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn. I explained to him the concept of a Twitter hashtag and he was like "OH MY GOD, I've never heard of that before, that's AWESOME."

So that would be part of the job description. A lot of it, however, would be administrative stuff -- making contacts with major newspapers, keeping our contacts up-to-date, researching various reporters and media outlets, as well as proofreading and editing press releases and stuff.

It sounds like it'd be really fast-paced and intense, but a lot of fun, and maybe even sort of glamorous. I'd be at all their premieres, meeting members of the press and stuff. (OMG, I'd be like CJ Cregg [or Robert Gibbs] in miniature. Only...not at all...shut up.)

The best part is, they'd only need me through the first week of January, and even that's flexible. Meaning I could be back in Oberlin for Winter Term!

Of course, I'm getting ahead of myself. He said he had a lot of applicants to interview, and that he'd be getting back to me next week. But I felt really good about the whole thing. And even if I don't get it, I know I did a damn good job trying.

Off to Lili's now to marathon more West Wing!

Well, I look short there, but I looked good for the interview. Really.

We can spend that whole night believing that something about us ever was right

2009-08-15T07:11:03Z

Before November or December 2008, I didn't make a conscious effort to keep up with current events. (Why yes, the change in my behavior did coincide roughly with the election. How fascinating.) That's not something I'm proud of, but it's just how it was. I wasn't willfully ignorant exactly; it just wasn't a priority for me. The big stories obviously crossed my radar screen, but something like -- oh, I'll pick something at random -- the Mark Sanford scandal, I probably wouldn't have known about.

My question is, has the world turned into more of a complete shitstorm since the end of 2008, or does it just seem like it to me because I'm finally paying attention? Or is it both?

The healthcare debate has me on my last nerve. There's so much ignorance in the world. So many blatant untruths being spread by the freaking MAINSTREAM MEDIA (thanks, Faux News), and I just...don't know what to do about any of it. These right wingnuts are obviously never going to listen to reason. What the hell can you even say to someone who honestly believes healthcare reform will bring about the existence of "Death Panels"? Someone like that is obviously so far gone off the deep end that no amount of logic or reason will bring them back.

Sometimes I want to go back to not knowing and not caring, is my point. It may be dumb to let public policy influence my personal feelings, but I've honestly been letting it stress me out.

Still no phone call from Good2Go. Am on the verge of giving the fuck up and starting my job search all over again, which would be...frustrating beyond the telling of it.

I've been looking through old issues of BUST magazine at their craft and cooking ideas, trying to find something that'll keep me busy. Unfortunately, a lot of the projects would require me actually going out and -- gasp! -- purchasing things (etching cream, sweet potatoes, holiday lights -- errr, those are all for DIFFERENT projects), which I make every effort NOT to do. Half my damn paycheck from the candy store goes to food, my mom wants me to be paying her back for my county college tuition, AND I want a new camera. And let me tell you, I don't get paid a whole hell of a lot. Under minimum wage, actually.

Sometimes I'd like to get away from this saddening crowd

2009-08-11T06:24:36Z

I got a phone call today from 1812 Productions, a comedy theatre troupe that had put out an ad seeking an unpaid intern to help them with marketing, public relations, stuff like that. I sent in my resume and cover letter and, for the first time in my life, actually got a response. I'm going in to interview with them next Monday.

It's quite exciting. The problem is, I'm not sure if I want this internship. Not because I don't think I'd enjoy it or be good at it -- it actually pretty much plays to all my strengths. It's just...they'd need me to work for them THROUGH January. Meaning I couldn't go back to Oberlin for Winter Term. I knew that was never an absolute given, but it was what I really wanted to do. I wanted to cook with my friends and see the campus all covered in snow but missing most of the population. I wanted to enjoy Oberlin without the stress of classes. And I didn't want to be home any longer than I absolutely had to be. I'm not ruling out the possibility that the combination of therapy and keeping really busy throughout the fall would make being home a happier experience for me, but...I don't know. I just want to go back so badly. But I wouldn't want to turn down the internship if they offered it to me. Ugh. I just don't know.

I hate it when things are up in the air. Hanging out with friends, interviews, job possibilities -- anything. I need something concrete to put in Google calendar. "Oh, we'll do something sometime" makes me nervous and afraid I'm going to have to cancel plans with someone in order to fulfill some other commitment.

I'm going in to register for classes at Camden County College tomorrow, aka THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH I ever thought I'd end up. I'll be taking Theatre and Child Psychology come fall.

If I get this internship and this job, things'll be crazy. I'll have class Tuesday through Thursday afternoons, I'd be doing 15 hours a week at the internship, working at Good2Go, and still working at the candy store on weekend nights. I hope it will make me happy to keep busy.

For now, I can't sleep -- too nervous about all these half-plans and commitments and everything I have to keep.

I've got a good mind to throw it all away, throw it all away, throw it all away. I've got a good mind to throw it all away; after all what is it worth?