The Kit Kat Club

So, lately, I can't ride in cars. I really can't. Why? Because I have panic attacks every single time I get in one. Well, not EVERY time; for the most part it's every time we go on the highway. WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHY, but it is seriously uncool. Is it my medication wreaking havoc with me again? Abilify really does seem to ramp up my panic-attack potential.

Or is it because I'm preparing to actually take driving lessons and get my license, so I'm paying much more attention to what driving entails -- and I'm realizing how FREAKING TERRIFYING it is? I don't mind the idea of just driving around the simple two-lane roads in my town, but highways? Forget about it. Merging, switching lanes -- it's just not going to happen.

I'm 98% sure that when I do start my driving lessons, I am legitimately going to start hyperventilating and crying at the wheel. I don't want to do this, I don't want to drive, but I need to if I want to have even the smallest modicum of autonomy.

At any rate, this new little habit of mine made the drive to the Renaissance Faire verrrry interesting.
Week meme!:
Day one: a song
Day two: a picture
Day three: a book/ebook/fanfic
Day four: a site
Day five: a youtube clip
Day six: a quote
Day seven: whatever tickles your fancy

Cracked.com -- 100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines.
I laughed so hard I cried at this. Fair warning -- when you start clicking around Cracked.com, it's hard to stop.

A Facebook Haggadah.
Ok, it's not Passover season anymore, not anywhere near. But this is HILARIOUS. Passover in Facebook form.

And, finally, Sockdreams.com
In case you love socks and stockings as much as I do.

"But Oh! for the wise, loving home girls
There's constant and steady demand."

-I'm taking a break from writing my ten-page research paper right now. I may stop for the night. I'm honestly just kind of writing unsubstantiated crap right now. Argh, I am terrified. I have at least four pages left to go, and it's due on Monday. Four pages in two days wouldn't be such a big deal, either, except I'm afraid I'm running out of material. Hell, I'm afraid I'm doing this whole thing wrong. Too much background before I get to the point? An unclear thesis? Is it terribly obvious that I'm really trying to pad it up with stuff that doesn't necessarily support my point? How does my professor want this cited? What do I do when I'm making a point that seems terribly obvious, but for which I have no citation? (For example: Duh, women are usually portrayed as passive bystanders in history, but that's because of the legal and social constraints on their behavior which prevented them from playing a more active role. Do I need to prove that somehow?)

-I went to get my hair cut with Ashley yesterday. Pictures are here and here. I think I like it, but it was supposed to look like this, so I'm somewhat disappointed. I may actually invest in a hair straightener to get it to look more like how I wanted it. Damn my surprisingly fluffy hair.

-Ashley and I got mistaken for twins. Again. It's starting to be a little spooky.

-I hate that I am such a Debbie Downer all the freaking time lately. Again, when I'm actually out with friends, I'm pretty happy. But when I'm home, or online, I'm like...miserable. I really dislike that about myself.

-There's so much I want to be doing. Like baking or writing or learning to drive or knitting or getting a job (which is in fact a necessity). But I don't know where to start or what to do. I just know my life is super boring most of the time.

-Oh yeah, and I didn't get that government-sponsored job. Turns out it's like financial aid; since my mom makes above a certain amount of money, they can't pay me. Well fuck. I am quite literally broke and now I don't know what to do.

-I want to cuddle with someone and watch scary movies.

SCENE: Economics 101 lecture hall.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE: Carolyn, Random Panic Attack For No Discernible Reason (RPAFNDR)

RPAFNDR: Yo, Carolyn!

CAROLYN: Oh, uh, hey there Panic Attack.

RPAFNDR: So what's up, girl? I haven't seen ya in a while. I mean, I swung by last week, but we didn't really get a chance to talk.

CAROLYN: Good, good, things have been really good...while you've been away.

RPAFNDR: Aww, glad to hear it! Have you missed me? I hate going so long without seeing an old friend, don't you? And you've known me like, what, 8 years now?

CAROLYN: Um...yeah, listen, I'm kind of in class and I'd like to focus because this isn't something I understand, so maybe some other-

RPAFNDR: GIVE ME A HUG!!!!!!

CAROLYN: OH MY GOD MAKE EVERYTHING STOP MOVING WHY CAN'T I BREATHE RIGHT MY HEART IS NOT SUPPOSED TO GO THIS FAST I FEEL LIKE I WILL LITERALLY CRAWL OUT OF MY SKIN IF I DON'T GET HOME RIGHT NOW-

RPAFNDR: I LOVE YOOOOOU!!!

~Fin~

...So that was MY day. Please excuse me while I go hide from the world for an hour or so.

Today was so awful.

It started off okay...I wasn't able to sleep at all last night, but ok, I can deal. I got some work done in the wee hours of the morning, took all my meds, and drank an espresso doubleshot before class. I felt great! I wanted to hug everyone! I was a little overstimulated, but so happy!

I think drinking that mug of MochAlert at lunch was what did me in.

Ever had a panic attack? Your heart races and you feel like you can't breathe and nothing is right?

I felt like that for seven hours straight. It was effing miserable. I couldn't get my heart to slow down and I was tingling and felt so jumpy and awful. Trufax: Bipolar people are more likely to commit suicide during a manic period than during a depressive period, and being that this was a kind of chemically-induced mania, I can see why. I felt like I would have done anything to stop feeling like that, to make everything slow down and make my body stop racing.

I'm so glad it's over. It felt like it would never stop. I wish I had some way of knowing for sure how much of it was due to the massive caffeine consumption and how much was due to the Provigil. (I've been researching Provigil more, and apparently it is basically an amphetamine but slightly safer because it deals with different brain chemicals? Or something? I zone out when talk turns to chemistry.) All I know is that I am never -- EVER -- doing that again.

I called my mom like 3 times in the midst of all this, and happened to mention the Zune that I was planning to purchase.
"No," she said.
"Uh....why not?"
"......Because Santa said so."

Apparently Santa has already purchased me a new mp3 player for Chrismachanukah, so I shouldn't spend my own money on this one. But I'm not going to get my presents from Santa for another 3 weeks! I WANT INSTANT GRATIFICATION, AND ALSO SOMETHING I CAN LISTEN TO WHILE I EXERCISE.

u guys srsly.

I can't write this fucking paper.

I'm kind of paralyzed by my fear. I have yet to get an A on a paper at Oberlin. And I know, both of my professors for whom I've had to write papers are self-confessed tough graders. And I haven't written many papers.

But I've totally lost confidence in my ability to write a decent analytic paper. And I don't know how to make my ideas be five pages long.

This thing is due in 14 hours.

Helphelphelp.