The Kit Kat Club

Today was so awful.

It started off okay...I wasn't able to sleep at all last night, but ok, I can deal. I got some work done in the wee hours of the morning, took all my meds, and drank an espresso doubleshot before class. I felt great! I wanted to hug everyone! I was a little overstimulated, but so happy!

I think drinking that mug of MochAlert at lunch was what did me in.

Ever had a panic attack? Your heart races and you feel like you can't breathe and nothing is right?

I felt like that for seven hours straight. It was effing miserable. I couldn't get my heart to slow down and I was tingling and felt so jumpy and awful. Trufax: Bipolar people are more likely to commit suicide during a manic period than during a depressive period, and being that this was a kind of chemically-induced mania, I can see why. I felt like I would have done anything to stop feeling like that, to make everything slow down and make my body stop racing.

I'm so glad it's over. It felt like it would never stop. I wish I had some way of knowing for sure how much of it was due to the massive caffeine consumption and how much was due to the Provigil. (I've been researching Provigil more, and apparently it is basically an amphetamine but slightly safer because it deals with different brain chemicals? Or something? I zone out when talk turns to chemistry.) All I know is that I am never -- EVER -- doing that again.

I called my mom like 3 times in the midst of all this, and happened to mention the Zune that I was planning to purchase.
"No," she said.
"Uh....why not?"
"......Because Santa said so."

Apparently Santa has already purchased me a new mp3 player for Chrismachanukah, so I shouldn't spend my own money on this one. But I'm not going to get my presents from Santa for another 3 weeks! I WANT INSTANT GRATIFICATION, AND ALSO SOMETHING I CAN LISTEN TO WHILE I EXERCISE.

Things I need to accomplish tonight:
-Prepare for the Psych exam tomorrow, which I have sort of been doing for the past 6 hours but my friends are too much fun so I didn't necessarily get much done.
-Get some vague idea of what classes I want to take next semester 'cause I have an advising appointment tomorrow.
-Read 30 or so pages for Sex With Kirk.

Time:
2:14 a.m.

New best friend:
Starbucks doubleshot.

Amount of sleep I anticipate getting:
...Maybe I'll just stay up until 7 or so and go to the gym with Franny then?

I WANT TO SLEEP SO BADLY.

But I also don't want to get another 76% on a Psych test. And I want to be able to contribute to discussion in SWK tomorrow.

OMG I fail college life. Is it the weekend yet? Fuck, is it winter break yet?

Edit at close to 7 a.m: Did indeed stay up all night studying and reading. Took a 20 minute nap though. Question is, now what do I do with myself?

At some point, I stole this word from apers' vocabulary. I love it. Definition (this is my understanding at least): Nervous, jumpy, and generally just slightly "off."

For me, it's often brought on by caffeine that affects me badly. (I don't understand why, but different caffeinated beverages affect me differently. Coffee: makes me friendly and personable. Vault: makes me have panic attacks and curl up on the floor.)

Today, I have no explanation for it. I woke up at 8 and couldn't get back to sleep. Had a long, busy, mostly fun day. Class, lunch, class, doctor's appointment, epic CVS trip, dinner, screening of "Brokeback Mountain" for one of my classes. But something's felt weird and off all day.

Maybe it's just that I feel worse and worse about my looks every day. Sure, it's shallow. Whatever. But I do feel like I can't measure up, physically, to the girls around me. And it does get depressing. I wish I were smaller. And thinner. (Damnit, I want my old weight back!)

I guess I'm also a little down because of watching "Brokeback Mountain." I cried like a BABY. God, that was beautiful. Jake Gyllenhaal didn't quite convince me when he was playing a middle-aged, bitter man, though. Heath Ledger, however, is a brilliant actor. Was. WAS a brilliant actor. Aw, shit.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Lili: (in response to me telling her about the movie) "Oh, don't you have a gay class?"

So here's how it went down.

Despite the fact that I'm running on 6 hours of sleep (yeah yeah, I know, you all sleep way less than that, but guess what, when I don't get enough sleep I KILL PEOPLE) due to the fact that I was camping out until 3:30 (which is a whole other long story)...where was I? Right. Despite running on 6 hours of sleep and having a madly busy day, I am not remotely sleepy. I blame it at least partially on that coffee I made. I should market that stuff. Italian Splendor coffee beans ground to 'Turkish coffee' consistency, made in an incredibly cheap coffee maker by someone who doesn't know how to make coffee = Carolyn's Truly Vile Coffee (TM).

Right, so I'm wide awake and I get one of those late night cleaning urges. Anyone else get those? Where it's 2 a.m and you're suddenly like "oh my god, I want to clean THIS ENTIRE PLACE"? Got one of those. So I cleaned up my room. And then I was like "Hey wait, I brought my camera from home!" So I took pictures of my room. And then I realized, I don't have the USB cord for the camera! But wait! I have a fancy laptop (its name is Martha 'cause it's black and sexy) with lots of plug-holes...I wonder if it has a hole for the camera's memory card? So I poked the memory card at my computer for a while, and then it went into one of the holes!

THE POINT IS, I HAVE PICTURES. YAWANNASEETHEM?

( First of all, some ancient pictures that never made it onto the computer. Prom & some random stuff. )

( And now the serious stuff...my dorm room! )

I guess I should try to sleep. I'm not going to be happy tomorrow. I get 5 hours of sleep tops.