The Kit Kat Club

Back in the day, I knew my boyfriend's Myspace password -- he'd given it to me for some reason or another. So, out of curiosity, one day I logged in as him and looked at his inbox. Mostly, you understand, to see if there was anything about me.

I wasn't expecting to see this saved e-mail conversation between him and his friend Erin. She'd been complaining about being eternally single -- to which he replied something along the lines of "Well, when Carolyn and I break up I'll only want to be with you."

Which was charming, you know, to find out that your boyfriend is planning the end of your relationship and lining up a successor. Especially when you're stupid crazy in love and never want to be with anyone else.

Not one of the better moments of my life.

I kind of noticed something weird about myself last night. Well, maybe not so much "noticed" as "realized."

I go through periods of being really intensely attracted to someone, and wanting very much to be with them. Yet at the same time, I can feel that way about more than one person at once. And I don't even realize it at the time: they're all...separate events, somehow, taking up different spaces in my brain and never really overlapping.

I'll think back on a time in my life and associate with a person. "Oh, that's when I really liked ____." But then I think "No, that can't be right, I was still totally in love with ____ then." But they somehow coincided...

To give a better example of this deeply confusing rant, let's look back on summer 2007. I'd broken up with Chuck a month or so before. And I was not over him AT ALL. I was too angry at him to claim him as someone I "really liked," but pining for him still took up a lot of time and energy. But then I realize that summer 2007 is when I was hanging out with Nathan a lot and totally falling for him. And then I think AGAIN, and realize that that was also when I liked Kristin a whole lot. And when you throw my big dumb crush on Tony into the mix, you have a grand total product of WTF.

How could I have felt so much for all those people at once?

I am an emotional slut.