The Kit Kat Club

Oversharing ahoy!

My new therapist wants me to be reading a book called "Feeling Good." It's basically the manual to cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what she'll be doing with me. The basic theory of cognitive therapy is that all you have to do to feel happier is to change your thought patterns and the way you look at the world and various situations. That's it. It's apparently wildly effective, and that makes me want to try it.

The thing is, I'm reading this book, and my brain is just digging its heels in and yelling "NO NO NO I WON'T DO THIS YOU CAN'T MAKE ME." It's absurd, but for whatever reason some part of me is just completely and utterly opposed to the idea of healing myself. I mean, I've been in therapy for pretty much six years straight now. But if I'm honest with myself, despite all the talking about my problems and what I can do to fix them, I never really tried. I never put in a real effort to change my thought patterns or take the advice or stop hurting myself.

I don't understand it. I don't understand why I'm apparently so determined to remain depressed. Even when I know my actions or thought patterns are ridiculous, negative and unrealistic, I continue gleefully along like that's how I WANT them to be.

Maybe some of it is due to my vague obsession with having an "identity." I've had this diagnosis for almost a third of my life -- I feel sort of attached to it. I feel like, if I were happy, if I didn't have these problems, I wouldn't know who I was exactly. I wouldn't be the person I've always been (endlessly self-deprecating, passive and timid).

I don't know. Today blows. I am quite literally out of money. Out. Of. Money. I have none. Zero. Nada. Zilch. And it is one of the worst feelings I've ever ever had. I feel like I can't get enough oxygen these days; my lungs are filled with anxiety about jobs and money. It's like I'm having a constant panic attack. I hate it. And I'm helpless.

The only bright spot in today is the fact that I went and applied at Wendy's, and two of my friends from high school work there. They said they'd put in a good word for me. Please, if you read this, please please please cross your fingers or pray or do whatever for me to get this job. I need it so so badly.

I feel weird. Like I don't fit in my skin -- my skin is too big for me. Everything about my body is too big for me. I don't feel right.