The Kit Kat Club

Oh god oh god oh god.

Tonight, for my first-year seminar class, we watched "Boys Don't Cry."

Guys, please understand that I am not exaggerating when I say that I couldn't stop crying. A whole ton of people were crying because even teenagers are not completely without souls. But you know, they stopped once the credits started rolling. I didn't. I couldn't. I continued to cry hysterically, to the point where it wasn't cute and no one wanted to hug me because oh dear god look at that weird girl in the corner who won't stop sobbing.

It was like being the person who laughs too long at a joke, only worse.

I'm tearing up again just thinking about it. That is the most utterly traumatizing thing I have ever witnessed. Franny, I was going to offer to watch it with you because I know you've never seen it, but there is absolutely no way I'm ever putting myself through that again.

Fuck, people are so awful sometimes. I can't even comprehend it. LIFE is so awful sometimes.

Uh, if I'm depressed for the next week, that's why, kay?

At some point, I stole this word from apers' vocabulary. I love it. Definition (this is my understanding at least): Nervous, jumpy, and generally just slightly "off."

For me, it's often brought on by caffeine that affects me badly. (I don't understand why, but different caffeinated beverages affect me differently. Coffee: makes me friendly and personable. Vault: makes me have panic attacks and curl up on the floor.)

Today, I have no explanation for it. I woke up at 8 and couldn't get back to sleep. Had a long, busy, mostly fun day. Class, lunch, class, doctor's appointment, epic CVS trip, dinner, screening of "Brokeback Mountain" for one of my classes. But something's felt weird and off all day.

Maybe it's just that I feel worse and worse about my looks every day. Sure, it's shallow. Whatever. But I do feel like I can't measure up, physically, to the girls around me. And it does get depressing. I wish I were smaller. And thinner. (Damnit, I want my old weight back!)

I guess I'm also a little down because of watching "Brokeback Mountain." I cried like a BABY. God, that was beautiful. Jake Gyllenhaal didn't quite convince me when he was playing a middle-aged, bitter man, though. Heath Ledger, however, is a brilliant actor. Was. WAS a brilliant actor. Aw, shit.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Lili: (in response to me telling her about the movie) "Oh, don't you have a gay class?"