The Kit Kat Club

As my freshman year of college draws to a close, it occurs to me that I have wasted much of it being miserable and/or antisocial and/or fatigued/sick and/or just a complete mess.

That sucks, man.

And you know what my biggest problem is? The fact that I still haven't got a handle on the fact that, apparently, I can't turn back time and make up time I wasted or ruined. So I do what is, in my crazy little head, the next best thing: self-inflicted physical punishment! HURRAY, HEALTHY. 7 years, and I still haven't figured out a healthier way of coping with my problems than by cutting them out of myself.

But yeah. Despite the amazing people I've met and wonderful new experiences I've had, I just feel like my freshman year has been a total writeoff in terms of personal growth, and that really really disappoints me.

I think the past few weeks really take the cake in terms of mega-suckitude, though. I am more of a mess than I can ever remember being. Well, more likely, I've been this fucked-up before, but it always feels so awful that it feels like the first time all over again. It's a nasty compendium of the ever-persistent fatigue/messed-up sleep schedule, forgetting to take my medication, and physical illness, all adding up to a crushing depression and sense of hopelessness and death, complete with eating junk food and never leaving my room. Man, maybe I do need a roommate.

I keep wanting this to be mono or strep or something else purely physical -- hell, I had myself convinced for a day or so that it was meningitis, but it turned out I'd just slept on my neck funny -- but I think, in the end, I'm just screwed up. And if I sound strangely upbeat about all this, it's because today's been better (so far), I have coffee, and also Flogging Molly just puts me in that kind of mood.

Yeah. I don't really know what else to say. I'm a complete mess, and I've literally reached the point where I don't really know what to do about it, or where to go. It's been a week since I successfully made it to all my classes/commitments, I'm behind on assignments, I have a test tomorrow and a paper due Monday.

The obvious solution? Go shopping. (Not the fun kind, though, the CVS oh-my-God-I'm-out-of-tissues kind.)