The Kit Kat Club

Lysander: "You should come mini golfing with us next time!"
Me: "Well, I'm not very good at mini golf."
Lysander: "You're not? What are you very good at?"
Me: "...Um. Nothing, actually."
Lysander: "You're not very good at ANYTHING? So...what do you do? What do you do all day?"

...Good question, little man. Good question.

I had a really lovely day today with DJ, April and Trinity.

It's all somewhat marred by the fact that yesterday, I phoned Good2Go -- can I point out at this moment that I've been calling them once a week for two months at this point? -- to ask if I could get started this week. "Oh, well I'm making the schedule up tomorrow. Can I give you a call tomorrow?" "Sure, absolutely."

Today came and went. At 8:30 p.m, I called them myself. No answer. I left a message. No one got back to me.

I do not know what the hell is wrong with these people. The way they have treated me is utterly fucking unprofessional. My interviewer literally DID NOT SHOW UP for our scheduled interview a few weeks back, they don't call when they say they will, and now they don't answer when I call? What the hell is going on here?

I'm just lost. I have no job. I have no money. I'm completely and utterly shit out of luck.

I don't know what to do.

Today started off really well. Cute OKCupid girl wrote back to me after a month, and added me on Facebook. Waking up to that, I figured, the rest of the day couldn't be that bad, right?

Wrong. I experienced a fairly major crisis at work. We serve water ice, and our freezer's been acting up -- freezing everything so it's hard as a rock. At my boss's suggestion, I unplugged the freezer to let the water ice soften up on a 90-degree day when a lot of people would be ordering it.

Well. Despite the fact that I had been repeatedly warned against this, and despite the fact that my boss himself was a cautionary tale, having done the same thing a few days ago and subsequently having to throw out three tubs of water ice...I forgot to plug the freezer back in at the end of the day. And when did I realize this? When I was leaving, after I'd already securely locked both doors. Two tubs of water ice will sit overnight and melt, and will most likely have to be thrown away.

I tried everything in the world to get back into the building and remedy the mistake, up to and including calling the police to see if they'd let me back in. No go. Finally, I called my boss's house and spoke to his wife, who relayed the message to him. All he said was "Okay." Which I guess means he plans to drive to the store and fix my mistake, or not and let the water ice melt. Either way, there's apparently nothing more for me to do.

Now, this may not sound like a big deal. And I guess in the grand scheme of the world at large, it's really not. But the fact remains that I made a dumb mistake, and I disappointed my boss, and I cost us money. My boss, incidentally, has already proven himself to be the most forgiving man on earth. In my two years working there, I have a) undercharged a customer by $40, b) overslept and been half a freaking hour late to open the store, and now this. I do not deserve the kindness he shows me. So I've been sitting here for three and a half hours just despising myself. Chewed off my nails, picked at my skin till it bled, and pulled out a big ol' chunk of hair.

And then, just to cap things off, I called Good2Go to ask them if I could come in and work tomorrow, since I'm going down to Ocean City on Tuesday and won't be back till Saturday. The answer was no. I can come in and start next week, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm making a bad impression, having been so unavailable these two weeks.

My last three entries have basically been miserable. When are things going to start going my way again?

Oversharing ahoy!

My new therapist wants me to be reading a book called "Feeling Good." It's basically the manual to cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what she'll be doing with me. The basic theory of cognitive therapy is that all you have to do to feel happier is to change your thought patterns and the way you look at the world and various situations. That's it. It's apparently wildly effective, and that makes me want to try it.

The thing is, I'm reading this book, and my brain is just digging its heels in and yelling "NO NO NO I WON'T DO THIS YOU CAN'T MAKE ME." It's absurd, but for whatever reason some part of me is just completely and utterly opposed to the idea of healing myself. I mean, I've been in therapy for pretty much six years straight now. But if I'm honest with myself, despite all the talking about my problems and what I can do to fix them, I never really tried. I never put in a real effort to change my thought patterns or take the advice or stop hurting myself.

I don't understand it. I don't understand why I'm apparently so determined to remain depressed. Even when I know my actions or thought patterns are ridiculous, negative and unrealistic, I continue gleefully along like that's how I WANT them to be.

Maybe some of it is due to my vague obsession with having an "identity." I've had this diagnosis for almost a third of my life -- I feel sort of attached to it. I feel like, if I were happy, if I didn't have these problems, I wouldn't know who I was exactly. I wouldn't be the person I've always been (endlessly self-deprecating, passive and timid).

I don't know. Today blows. I am quite literally out of money. Out. Of. Money. I have none. Zero. Nada. Zilch. And it is one of the worst feelings I've ever ever had. I feel like I can't get enough oxygen these days; my lungs are filled with anxiety about jobs and money. It's like I'm having a constant panic attack. I hate it. And I'm helpless.

The only bright spot in today is the fact that I went and applied at Wendy's, and two of my friends from high school work there. They said they'd put in a good word for me. Please, if you read this, please please please cross your fingers or pray or do whatever for me to get this job. I need it so so badly.

I feel weird. Like I don't fit in my skin -- my skin is too big for me. Everything about my body is too big for me. I don't feel right.

"But Oh! for the wise, loving home girls
There's constant and steady demand."

-I'm taking a break from writing my ten-page research paper right now. I may stop for the night. I'm honestly just kind of writing unsubstantiated crap right now. Argh, I am terrified. I have at least four pages left to go, and it's due on Monday. Four pages in two days wouldn't be such a big deal, either, except I'm afraid I'm running out of material. Hell, I'm afraid I'm doing this whole thing wrong. Too much background before I get to the point? An unclear thesis? Is it terribly obvious that I'm really trying to pad it up with stuff that doesn't necessarily support my point? How does my professor want this cited? What do I do when I'm making a point that seems terribly obvious, but for which I have no citation? (For example: Duh, women are usually portrayed as passive bystanders in history, but that's because of the legal and social constraints on their behavior which prevented them from playing a more active role. Do I need to prove that somehow?)

-I went to get my hair cut with Ashley yesterday. Pictures are here and here. I think I like it, but it was supposed to look like this, so I'm somewhat disappointed. I may actually invest in a hair straightener to get it to look more like how I wanted it. Damn my surprisingly fluffy hair.

-Ashley and I got mistaken for twins. Again. It's starting to be a little spooky.

-I hate that I am such a Debbie Downer all the freaking time lately. Again, when I'm actually out with friends, I'm pretty happy. But when I'm home, or online, I'm like...miserable. I really dislike that about myself.

-There's so much I want to be doing. Like baking or writing or learning to drive or knitting or getting a job (which is in fact a necessity). But I don't know where to start or what to do. I just know my life is super boring most of the time.

-Oh yeah, and I didn't get that government-sponsored job. Turns out it's like financial aid; since my mom makes above a certain amount of money, they can't pay me. Well fuck. I am quite literally broke and now I don't know what to do.

-I want to cuddle with someone and watch scary movies.

It's been almost a month since I overdosed and checked into the hospital. It happened in the wee hours of May 14. I was going to wait until June 14 to make this post, but I have thoughts about it now that I want to write down before I forget.

( Cut for whininess, emo-kid-ness, and potential triggers. )

Other things:
-Woke up today with cramps so bad I thought I was dying. I don't think they've ever been that bad before. I was crying and thought I would actually vomit. For that reason, I didn't make it to Penn to work on my paper. Tomorrow, I suppose.
-Ashley and I are going to go get haircuts together on Thursday. Still working out the finer points of what I want exactly, but it'll be dramatic. I hope it's not terrible.
-I just got an email from the mother of someone who was in the Bryn Mawr Girlchoir with me all those years ago. There's apparently a sort of reunion party on the 20th, to celebrate the choir's 10th anniversary. I'm really excited for it. I just Facebook friended a bunch of girls from the choir whom I haven't seen in five years, and it was fascinating to see how much they've all changed. I doubt I'll even recognize some of them. I know I'm virtually unrecognizable at this point.

Everything is still such a mess that I'm kind of at a loss for what to do.

I'm taking a failing grade in Research Methods and re-taking the class next semester. Which...sucks, but there's nothing really to be done. Leaves me free to focus on the fact that everything else is only slightly less disastrous than that. Educational Psych paper, Jewish History exam on Thursday, Econ exam on Saturday.

Not really eating much anymore, and what I am eating is unhealthy. I either forget about the concerts and performances and gatherings I'm invited to, or when time comes for me to go to them, I'm feeling too ashamed of myself to show my face in public.

Sleeping at all the wrong hours, not being nearly as productive as I should be.

Crying on the phone to my mom pretty much every night, IMing/texting Kris whenever I'm not actually asleep.

Quite literally no eyebrows left -- last night in Decafe, within the space of five minutes, two people asked me why I shaved my eyebrows off. (I've been drawing them on with eyeliner, but I guess they weren't convincing.)

Compulsively picking at the skin on the back of my arm until it bleeds.

Considering checking myself into the hospital every two days or so.

Oh, and I have my period.

LOL Walking disaster much, Carolyn? Fuck.

At least apple_scruffer is visiting again tomorrow, so I'll have a few hours in which I will not be emo-ing about.

As my freshman year of college draws to a close, it occurs to me that I have wasted much of it being miserable and/or antisocial and/or fatigued/sick and/or just a complete mess.

That sucks, man.

And you know what my biggest problem is? The fact that I still haven't got a handle on the fact that, apparently, I can't turn back time and make up time I wasted or ruined. So I do what is, in my crazy little head, the next best thing: self-inflicted physical punishment! HURRAY, HEALTHY. 7 years, and I still haven't figured out a healthier way of coping with my problems than by cutting them out of myself.

But yeah. Despite the amazing people I've met and wonderful new experiences I've had, I just feel like my freshman year has been a total writeoff in terms of personal growth, and that really really disappoints me.

I think the past few weeks really take the cake in terms of mega-suckitude, though. I am more of a mess than I can ever remember being. Well, more likely, I've been this fucked-up before, but it always feels so awful that it feels like the first time all over again. It's a nasty compendium of the ever-persistent fatigue/messed-up sleep schedule, forgetting to take my medication, and physical illness, all adding up to a crushing depression and sense of hopelessness and death, complete with eating junk food and never leaving my room. Man, maybe I do need a roommate.

I keep wanting this to be mono or strep or something else purely physical -- hell, I had myself convinced for a day or so that it was meningitis, but it turned out I'd just slept on my neck funny -- but I think, in the end, I'm just screwed up. And if I sound strangely upbeat about all this, it's because today's been better (so far), I have coffee, and also Flogging Molly just puts me in that kind of mood.

Yeah. I don't really know what else to say. I'm a complete mess, and I've literally reached the point where I don't really know what to do about it, or where to go. It's been a week since I successfully made it to all my classes/commitments, I'm behind on assignments, I have a test tomorrow and a paper due Monday.

The obvious solution? Go shopping. (Not the fun kind, though, the CVS oh-my-God-I'm-out-of-tissues kind.)

This first week back has been terrible. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I need to accept that it happened, and it sucked, and move on. But as you may or may not have noticed, I suck at moving on worse than anyone else I know.

I just have this major issue with disappointing myself. Most of the things I screw up don't adversely affect the people around me. They're not the ones making me feel guilty. I just feel like an unworthy human being 75% of the time. I don't work hard enough in my classes, I sleep too much, I don't have a job, I'm just not GOOD. I don't know what to do about this. I really don't. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know >.>

All in all, here's shit what I've missed this week: My Research Methods lab on Monday. Research Methods class on Wednesday. And both my Jewish History AND Educational Psych classes today. Yeah, don't judge, trust me, I'm judging myself enough for the rest of the world right now. I suck. Someone wanna shoot me?

And I've got this really fun weekend coming up (Jim's birthday, Sandhya's birthday, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, Drag Ball), but I absolutely cannot feel like I've EARNED it. Like, do I deserve to have this fun? Not really.

I don't know. And now Cute Stoner Boy is IMing me and have I mentioned that I don't know how to talk to boys? At all?

Argh, what do I do. With my life.

My laptop supposedly uses face recognition software to log me on when I boot up. It won't let me log on if I type in the wrong password, but it still captures my eyes and stares into them as it tries to determine if I am who I say.

Sometimes I wonder if it takes so long because it doesn't recognize the person it first saw back in July.

Lately, I look into the mirror and I don't look familiar to myself.

I used to be blonde-highlighted and skinny. I used to have eyebrows.

My face looks sharper, my body rounder. My hair darker, my eyebrows ripped out in stress and fear.

I don't know where I am, or if it's better or worse than where I used to be. It's so different.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...I think I have trichotillomania. But how does one go about getting diagnosed with that? And how does one treat it?

Don't mind me, it's the 5 a.m talking.

It's been quite a while since I posted. For me, anyway.

I've been in a really, really bad place for the past few weeks. I'm kind of still there, actually. And it's the most paradoxical depression I've ever been in. I feel like I have been absolutely screaming for help, I want so badly for someone to notice that I'm hurting. And yet whenever someone does pick up on my signals, I get defensive and refuse to talk about it. I don't understand it. I also realize that even though I feel like I'm screaming, you'd have to be a frickin mind reader to pick up on most of my "clues."

I don't know whether I want to go back to Oberlin or not. I actually spent a lot of time considering dropping out or transferring or something. But I realized I'm not any happier at home than I am there. I just...I don't know. I can count on one hand the number of people who* I know for an absolute fact enjoy spending time in my company. And none of them are at Oberlin. But none of them are (currently) in Collingswood, either. And this is not to accuse other people of not liking me; it just takes a lot, a LOT of time for me accept the idea that someone isn't just being nice to me out of pity. So I'm very discontent.

Whether this is a legitimate concern or not I don't know, but I feel like there are certain...expectations of me at Oberlin. Expectations which I cannot meet. I don't think I'm at all living up to my awesome heritage, and, worse, I have yet to find something at which I excel. Let's put it this way: if I were to be turned into a Twilight Sparkle Motion vampire tomorrow, I would not be one who had some latent strength during their human life which was magnified in the afterlife. I think I'm a pretty decent, considerate person. But can I spin poi or juggle or play an instrument or sing or write or dance or do any of the things that would make me a worthwhile fucking human being at Oberlin? Nope. I can't. I don't have a talent. And that sucks.

The nub and thrust of it is this: I am not happy. I am not sure I want to go back to Oberlin. I do not want to force myself on people who don't want me around, so I may choose to stay in and focus on work instead of trying to socialize. I didn't want to become one of those people whose online social lives are more active than their real ones, but that is apparently the direction I am inevitably headed in.

*Should that be "whom"?

For at least a year and a half now, I've been wearing a claddagh I found at the Renaissance Faire. It fit me perfectly, and had a rainbow heart-shaped stone. Also, it was nickel-free (I have a nickel allergy).

Tonight, at the skating rink, I realized the stone had fallen out.

Balls.

( Unrelated mini-pity-party under the cut. )

I don't know. I'm going to crash. Gotta be up in 4 hours. Will I feel like doing anything fun for New Year's? It doesn't feel like it now.

I'm getting a ride home with Shauna. We were planning to leave Thursday -- tomorrow -- at noon. Hurray! I was so excited. Today she comes up to me and tells me that she absolutely cannot leave tomorrow, and is it ok if we leave Friday instead?

I am not mad at her (anymore). Honestly. I understand that papers often take longer to write than one anticipates. But I spazzed when I heard this. For one thing -- I do not like surprise changes in plans. They upset my view of how the world should be. For another, my parents made some pretty extensive rearrangements in their plans to be able to pick me up at the point where Shauna's and my routes branch off. But, most importantly? I WANT TO GO HOME, DAMNIT. I am so homesick. I want to go home. Now I have to wait a whole day longer than I anticipated, which I know isn't long, but gahhh.

On the plus side, I am done with finals and can spend tomorrow relaxing and packing. On the minus side, I was not terribly happy with either of my papers and I don't think I did too fantastically on my Psych exam.

On the REALLY minus side, I'm godawful depressed. Like, horrendously. I'm holed up in my room and absolutely do not want to move or leave or see anyone. I feel like the worst person alive. And I know, I do, that my thought patterns are entering that phase where they're completely irrational. And yet I've spent hours on end today contemplating each of these topics: I am fat. I am the ugliest person on campus. I do not deserve to be here. No one likes me. People take advantage of me, but are not actually my friends. And I can't shake these thoughts, and I hate myself and just want to self-destruct.

Also, what the hell, I ordered my pizza a goddamn hour ago. Where the hell is it?

I swear, with every passing minute I am more and more anxious to go home. Nine more days. I don't even know why, but I am just so so homesick it's not even funny.

This weather's gettin' me down. We had some beautiful snow for the last four days, then today we got cold rain that washed it all away and made everything dreary.

Last week was going so well -- I was waking up early and doing everything I needed to do. I felt really good. Unfortunately, the pharmacy was actually only able to give me four tablets of Provigil -- something about how the prescription wasn't written in Ohio so they needed to verify its authenticity by getting in touch with the doctor who prescribed it? Unfortunately, my psychiatrist is basically impossible to get ahold of. So I can't pick up the rest of my prescription. So I'm back to how I was, basically. And I know I can't blame my mood shifts ENTIRELY on medication, but it's nasty to have to go from having normal energy levels back to being exhausted all the time and sleeping half the day away.

And like, I need energy and focus most of all now. Next week is finals. Please please please let my psychiatrist answer his phone for once. I need to be able to stay awake and work.

If I can just lose myself in work for these next nine days, I will feel like I've earned my break.

I want to go home.

Haven't posted in a while (for me). The past six days or so have been unpleasant and embarrassing, and I have not much wanted to discuss the details. Suffice it to say that I pulled an all-nighter on that paper -- and then went to the gym and did some pretty strenuous exercise for two hours or so -- and subsequently f-ed up my sleep schedule worse than I ever have before. Like, literally, I'd be up till oh-God-o'clock every night and not wake up till you-don't-even-want-to-know-o'clock in the day. Actually, I'm not being entirely honest when I speak in the past tense: my schedule is still totally reversed; the only reason I'm posting this early is because I've been up all night. I think my only hope for getting back onto a normal routine is to stay up all day and get to bed early tonight. Like I said, unpleasant.

Thanksgiving was wonderful with my friends, even if I slept in too late to help with the cooking...I did help substantially with the cleanup, so I don't feel like a TOTAL mooch. I was surprisingly sad not to be home with my family. Honestly, I can't believe how homesick I still am even after being away for so long. I call my family probably more than anyone else I know, it's ridiculous, especially considering how eager I was to get to college. Anyway, Thanksgiving here was still wonderful, I feel so lucky to have the friends I do. I am thankful for them and for my family above all else.

What else is there. I just watched "Einstein and Eddington" and oh God, the things I want to do to David Tennant are absolutely unspeakable. Being forced to think about Andy Serkis having sex kind of killed my girl-boner, but still. DAVID TENNANT. What else...Jessie cleaned my entire room. I can't find anything. I very much enjoyed going to the gym with Franny, we need to make it more of a routine. I desperately need a new mp3 player, mine has been a piece of crap for ages now, but I have a history of being careless with my electronics and doubt my parents will be terribly willing to buy me yet another expensive music-playing device that I am liable to break or lose. Piscapo's Arm has a show coming up like REALLY SOON HOLY CRAP. I am very much in love with the song "When You Were Young" by the Killers. And I've been reading "Questionable Content" all night.

Meme rules: Put your MP3 player on shuffle, and write down the first line of the first twenty songs. Post the poem that results. The first line of the twenty-first is the title.
( Read more... )

Oh god oh god oh god.

Tonight, for my first-year seminar class, we watched "Boys Don't Cry."

Guys, please understand that I am not exaggerating when I say that I couldn't stop crying. A whole ton of people were crying because even teenagers are not completely without souls. But you know, they stopped once the credits started rolling. I didn't. I couldn't. I continued to cry hysterically, to the point where it wasn't cute and no one wanted to hug me because oh dear god look at that weird girl in the corner who won't stop sobbing.

It was like being the person who laughs too long at a joke, only worse.

I'm tearing up again just thinking about it. That is the most utterly traumatizing thing I have ever witnessed. Franny, I was going to offer to watch it with you because I know you've never seen it, but there is absolutely no way I'm ever putting myself through that again.

Fuck, people are so awful sometimes. I can't even comprehend it. LIFE is so awful sometimes.

Uh, if I'm depressed for the next week, that's why, kay?

I was somewhat more depressed than I should have been today, considering I go home the day after tomorrow. I dragged myself to SAGR and lunch, then went back to my room and collapsed into the most epic nap ever, complete with weird, sad dreams that I can't remember now. Skipped Psych, but whatev. I need to snap out of this. I think I need cuddles.

My fall break is shaping up to be ridiculously busy. Here's what I need/want to do, in no particular order:
-Go to Trader Joe's and get tea tree oil face pads oh my God my skin looks like I'm 13 or something.
-Have a ridiculous Friendly's lunch with psu_david_j!
-Hang out with JT and Kelsey.
-Hang out with djm1975, and hopefully apers and Trinity.
-Appointment with my useless psychiatrist.
-Appointment with my awesome therapist.
-Go visit the old high school haunts, with Ashley on Thursday and/or on Friday with n2_vs_life.
-Hang out with Ms. Jen.
-See charliesmum and Charlie.
-Hang out with Emily.

I'm sure there's other stuff...if I had plans with you or you want to make plans, let me know.

It will be nice to be back where I feel like I belong. Where I'm 100% secure in my friendships.

Cuddles are definitely in order. Come here, dolphin pillow, you're human-sized. Ish.

-YEAH PHILLIES. I found out from two people's Facebook statuses (stati?), how sad is that?

-Debate = ARRRRGH. I was knitting AND having trouble concentrating because I was sitting with Boy I Like, and I still don't feel like I missed anything. They both say the same things over and over and over again! It only gets interesting when one of them screws up/says something horrifically offensive/talks about Sarah Palin (because she is so good for the lolz). Highlights of tonight were: "Senator Government" and also apparently I'm pro-abortion. Not pro-choice, but pro-abortion. Who knew?

-Piscapo's Arm rehearsals intimidate me, at the same time as they make me laugh till I pee myself. They are all so creative. And I'm just not sure how they get these amazing ideas, and are brave enough to share them. It makes me feel like I don't really deserve to be there. I did write a sketch, but read it over to myself at rehearsal tonight and thought it sounded like crap, so I shared the idea, if not the actual sketch, with the group. I just don't know how they do it. How do I make funnies? How do they come up with things like a DIY-obsessed dad refusing to buy "an internet" from "that fancy Wal-Mart" and insisting that they make their own internet out of an old TV and some dead bugs? (Seriously, I might have to post the script, it's amazing.)

-I feel very guilty and weird. I have no midterms. All of my lovely friends are so stressed out and I don't have anything to stress over. I feel terrible and useless. I know there are only two (or one?) more day(s), but seriously, if any of you need ANYTHING, call me. I'm probably not doing anything worthwhile with my time. Unless you count reading Doctor Who porn as worthwhile, and God help you if you do.

-I took a break from writing this post to do some other stuff, including telling (via IM and very awkwardly) Boy I Like that he is Boy I Like. I know doing it on IM is made of fail, but we don't really spend any time alone together so it felt like my only option. Plus I wanted to do it before fall break to avoid next-day awkwardness, so it was kind of now or never. Anyway, I knew he didn't like me. Telling people I like them is something I do pretty much for my own sake -- I get miserable keeping it inside. All the same, the rejection, totally sweet and understanding and appreciative as it was, was a disappointment. It's bound to be, eh? I guess maybe there's always a measure of subconscious hope in that kind of thing.

I don't want to like someone for the sake of getting over this. However, I do hope I find a new interest (or one finds me) soon. 'Cause this makes me sadder than I'd like to admit.

I have a lot that I need to be doing right now, and zero motivation to do any of it.

On the plus side, no classes on Thursday. So even though God probably wants me to spend the day repenting, fasting, etc., God clearly did not factor a broken leg and a shit ton of makeup work into the Yom Kippur plans. In other words, I can't really afford to take Thursday off the way I should. I have two papers due on Friday.

I was supposed to go pick up a key for the supply closet and elevator today. I honestly feel too wiped to bother hauling my ass over to the Service Building. At this point, I'm just happy that I made it to both of today's classes -- which is more than I can say about any day this past week.

Speaking of classes, I'm withdrawing from Intro to Judaism. Funnily enough, it involves the least amount of work out of everything I'm taking. But it's my earliest class (so I've missed a lot of sessions already) and I really kind of hated it. Very dull and dry, and hasn't taught me that much that I wanted to know about Judaism. It's also the one class wherein I have nothing even remotely resembling friends.

I'm really starting to get tired of this pattern where I like someone I have literally no chance with. Couldn't I, just once, have a crush on someone not totally out of my league? It's all very well to crush on a sweet, intelligent, moral guy -- until I realize that those qualities mean he can do (and has done) a million times better than me. Crap.

I might have a date sometime soon, though. Or maybe we're just hanging out. She seems nice, but I don't know what she's looking for.

Sorry this is so disjointed. Naptime.