The Kit Kat Club

More for my own benefit than anything else, here are my current job prospects, in order from most to least desirable/likely:

Most desirable: Working in my sister's office. Someone just left on disability, and she is going to talk to them about hiring me as a replacement. It'd be typing, photocopying, filing -- all that useless stuff I'm ridiculously good at. Unfortunately, the company thinks they can get by without someone filling this position. They are wrong, and my sister will try to tell them that. It'd be maybe 10-20 hours a week, and $10 an hour. SWEET, but not the most likely prospect.

Most feasible: Good2Go in the Market East Gallery. It's a little food and drink place. It'd be cashier work, pretty much the same thing I do at the candy store. They're opening a new location August 1st and will need to hire new people since employees will be shifting to the new place. Apparently I'm one of only 4 or 5 applicants, so basically they'll bring me in to work for a day and see how I like it, and I can stay on if I so choose. Sounds laid-back and also very encouraging. Again, it wouldn't be for another two weeks or so, but I can live with that. Pay would be lower, but I don't need to live on it or anything.

Wendy's: Said they wouldn't be hiring for another two weeks. God knows I don't want to do fast food, so I hope I get the Good2Go job first. Still, I'm not ruling Wendy's out entirely.

Family Dollar: My friend Mike works there, and he'll obviously be going back to school in the fall. He said I could take his place once he left. That's a month and a half away, I dearly hope I'll have something else by then.

So basically, no income for me for at least another two weeks. But it doesn't look TOTALLY hopeless. I can do this. I am like, Martha Jones or something. Only instead of walking around the entire world saving the human race, I am trying to get a part time minimum wage job.

Also, is it wrong that I kind of want the office job partly because I want to wear cute office clothes? I have three pairs of pinstriped pants that are dying to be worn, plus a plethora of cute fancy skirts and whatnot.

And am going to bug you all with a music-spam. Nothing special, just a few songs I can't stop listening to as of late.

1. Lenka -- The Show. Apparently this song was really famous at some point and used in a bunch of commercials. I live under a rock and didn't hear about it till apple_scruffer posted it. Now I can't stop listening to it. It's happy and fun and wonderful.
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

2. Uh Huh Her -- Covered. I need more songs by these girls. I got this off a mix. A little techno, a little Tegan and Sara-esque, maybe a little TATU? Or maybe I just say that because they're lesbians.
Hollar now you want it
Gonna see, see how do you love again?
Higher than the stars
You're covered in my hands tonight

3. Tori Amos -- Welcome to England Sweet, sad, melancholy.
I forgot that you said, "Girl if you come...
you better bring your sun.
Sweet girl, you gotta bring your sun
Now don't you forget you bring your sun--
Just enough for
everyone
for everyone
Welcome to England"

( 8 more, and a bonus track. Make me happy, check it out. )

Hope you enjoyed this installment of Carolyn's boredom, and maybe you even saw some music you wanted to hear!

The next few weekends are packed. I hope Jack doesn't need me for weekend nights.
This weekend: Bryn Mawr Girlchoir reunion on Saturday, staying over Julia's, "pagan festival" in VF Park with my middle school buds!
Next weekend (June 26-28): My birthday!
July 3-5: Spending it with JT and Kelsey!
July 10-12: Free?
July 17-19: HOPEFULLY HOPEFULLY HOPEFULLY visiting apple_scruffer in DC.
July 24-26: Visiting kk_kk_kk!

Music meme! apple_scruffer gave me the letter H (mostly, as I ascertained, so that I could include "Human"). If you'd like to participate, comment and I'll give you a letter so you can play. Post 5 songs in your journal beginning with that letter. Easy!

Half Jack by Amanda Palmer/The Dresden Dolls (not sure which to attribute it to).
And when I let him in I feel the stitches getting sicker
I try to wash him out but like they say, "the blood is thicker..."
I see my mother in my face
But only when I travel
I run as fast as I can run
But Jack comes tumbling after
Is this song about daddy issues, or being a hermaphrodite? You decide! It's dark and beautiful and wonderful.

Hey, Hey by Dispatch.
Now here I come one more time
But she slides on by
Not even a second look
She took the bait right off that hook
I've got my blinders on tight
I pull my cap a little lower
I can hide, hide away
I had this song on repeat for much of 8th grade. I had a mad crush on this girl on my bus...this always makes me think of her. It still applies pretty well to the dumb shy crushes I get on girls.

Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel. Sorry for the weird filename on this one; it's what happens when you download shit on Limewire.
Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me
Beautiful, melancholy, amazing harmony, Simon and Garfunkel are just fucking amazing, ok?

Human by Mile 77.
Are we human, or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer:
Are we human, or are we dancer?
I have no idea who this band is. I couldn't even find a lyrics page for them. I got this off a Stephen Colbert/Rahm Emanuel fanmix. (You heard me.) The point is, this song is AWESOME.

Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect by The Decemberists.
But you, my soiled teenage girlfriend
Or are you furrowed like a lioness?
And we are vagabonds
We travel without seatbelts on
We live this close to death
Possibly my favorite Decemberists song, or close to it. I have no idea wtf it's supposed to be about, exactly, but it's gorgeous.

...Just so I can feel a little less discombobulated.

Now until 11: Go over the readings for sessions 20 and 21 of my Jewish History course. (That way, I will have reviewed half of the material the final will be on.)
11-1: Visit Dean of Studies. LAUNDRY. Shower. Go over audition sides. Clean room?
1-2: Auditions for The Goat.
2-4: HANG WITH MY BB apple_scruffer.
4-5: Nap???
5-7: Work on Educational Psych paper.
7-8ish: Dinner (if I'm hungry)
8-godknowswhen, but I would like to actually sleep through the night tonight: More studying/paper writing. Will write more detailed studying schedule closer to that time.

I can do this.

Everything is still such a mess that I'm kind of at a loss for what to do.

I'm taking a failing grade in Research Methods and re-taking the class next semester. Which...sucks, but there's nothing really to be done. Leaves me free to focus on the fact that everything else is only slightly less disastrous than that. Educational Psych paper, Jewish History exam on Thursday, Econ exam on Saturday.

Not really eating much anymore, and what I am eating is unhealthy. I either forget about the concerts and performances and gatherings I'm invited to, or when time comes for me to go to them, I'm feeling too ashamed of myself to show my face in public.

Sleeping at all the wrong hours, not being nearly as productive as I should be.

Crying on the phone to my mom pretty much every night, IMing/texting Kris whenever I'm not actually asleep.

Quite literally no eyebrows left -- last night in Decafe, within the space of five minutes, two people asked me why I shaved my eyebrows off. (I've been drawing them on with eyeliner, but I guess they weren't convincing.)

Compulsively picking at the skin on the back of my arm until it bleeds.

Considering checking myself into the hospital every two days or so.

Oh, and I have my period.

LOL Walking disaster much, Carolyn? Fuck.

At least apple_scruffer is visiting again tomorrow, so I'll have a few hours in which I will not be emo-ing about.

I've been having the strangest dreams over the past few days -- a side effect, I guess, of sleeping so much (as I inevitably do when I'm home on break).

What makes these dreams especially strange, though, is their nature. I keep solving things. Philosophical or economic mysteries that the greatest minds in the world have puzzled over for decades or centuries. In the most vivid of my recent dreams, I was working on a project for my Jewish History class. In the process of said project, I solved Judaism. I made it so no one would ever have to argue over a point in the Torah ever again (yeah, right). I worked it all out; I found the whole truth. But there was more; I also solved some kind of mystery regarding the sun and the laws of physics, AND I found out the truth about space aliens.

I have no idea. And the frustrating thing is that I wake up, and it's not that I've forgotten my solutions to these problems -- I remember them perfectly, but they make NO DAMN SENSE.

They haven't all been deep and mysterious like that, though. I also dreamt that I met Tim Geithner. I got my picture taken with him because I knew strawberrysgirl would be totally jealous. Then I accidentally called him "Geithnercup"to his face and it was really awkward. Thanks, subconscious.

My laptop supposedly uses face recognition software to log me on when I boot up. It won't let me log on if I type in the wrong password, but it still captures my eyes and stares into them as it tries to determine if I am who I say.

Sometimes I wonder if it takes so long because it doesn't recognize the person it first saw back in July.

Lately, I look into the mirror and I don't look familiar to myself.

I used to be blonde-highlighted and skinny. I used to have eyebrows.

My face looks sharper, my body rounder. My hair darker, my eyebrows ripped out in stress and fear.

I don't know where I am, or if it's better or worse than where I used to be. It's so different.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...I think I have trichotillomania. But how does one go about getting diagnosed with that? And how does one treat it?

Don't mind me, it's the 5 a.m talking.