The Kit Kat Club

I'm getting a ride home with Shauna. We were planning to leave Thursday -- tomorrow -- at noon. Hurray! I was so excited. Today she comes up to me and tells me that she absolutely cannot leave tomorrow, and is it ok if we leave Friday instead?

I am not mad at her (anymore). Honestly. I understand that papers often take longer to write than one anticipates. But I spazzed when I heard this. For one thing -- I do not like surprise changes in plans. They upset my view of how the world should be. For another, my parents made some pretty extensive rearrangements in their plans to be able to pick me up at the point where Shauna's and my routes branch off. But, most importantly? I WANT TO GO HOME, DAMNIT. I am so homesick. I want to go home. Now I have to wait a whole day longer than I anticipated, which I know isn't long, but gahhh.

On the plus side, I am done with finals and can spend tomorrow relaxing and packing. On the minus side, I was not terribly happy with either of my papers and I don't think I did too fantastically on my Psych exam.

On the REALLY minus side, I'm godawful depressed. Like, horrendously. I'm holed up in my room and absolutely do not want to move or leave or see anyone. I feel like the worst person alive. And I know, I do, that my thought patterns are entering that phase where they're completely irrational. And yet I've spent hours on end today contemplating each of these topics: I am fat. I am the ugliest person on campus. I do not deserve to be here. No one likes me. People take advantage of me, but are not actually my friends. And I can't shake these thoughts, and I hate myself and just want to self-destruct.

Also, what the hell, I ordered my pizza a goddamn hour ago. Where the hell is it?

Past few days have been...interesting.

Friday night, I was settling in for a night of studying in my room. I had even decided not to go to synagogue (even though I haven't gone in a month and really miss it) because I was just going to buckle down and WORK.

...Things never go the way I plan :P

Franny showed up and we went to get dinner at Casa Fiesta (YUM, OMG YUM), then took out a study room in Mudd and worked for a few hours. We were called and begged to make an appearance at the fencing party, so we went there for a few hours, then back to the Asia House library and back to work. Things got pretty surreal from there on. We kind of napped and snacked intermittently and at weird times. Also, I slept in a bookshelf. Why is kind of a long story, but trust me -- it was my only option. Also, I thought I was a pirate. Things continued that way well into yesterday evening, and we were joined by several lovely friends, all of us trying to get our work done >.<

8 p.m was the Storytelling Exco Final. Like I said earlier, I'd decided to tell my Zoe story because it had gone over really well in class and I felt happy with it. I figured it would be a small, cozy group of people -- 15 at the most. WRONG, CAROLYN. VERY WRONG. The Starlight Lounge was packed. It was the most terrifying experience of my whole life. Nothing like telling an intensely, intensely personal story to a jam-packed room of close friends and strangers (and I'm not sure which is worse). But I told it, and it went well, and hugs abounded.

Telling the story three times in the past two weeks -- you'd think I'd get somewhat number to it. In truth, it's more like every time I tell it I'm picking the scab off an old wound that I've never allowed to heal. I miss her so much.

That was a draining experience, so though I went back to Asia House and worked for an hour or so, I decided I needed to go home and get a good night's sleep. And I did, but now I'm totally out of the studying mindset and just want to curl up and rest. Oh well...

P.S: Yesterday morning, I found I had hit new and unattainable heights of unattractiveness. I hadn't showered for four days (no joke), I was in a ratty old sweater, no makeup, and I had gotten so stressed I had pulled out half of one eyebrow and more than half of the other. Honestly, it was impressive.

IS REALLY REALLY LATE. AND I'S NOT TIRED. WHY.

Was it the bizarre-and-not-actually-very-restful power nap I took at like 9:30 tonight? Was it the eating ramen and candy at 1 a.m?

Actually, yeah, those both make sense. Anyhoodle, here's a survey.

( Read more... )

So, recently, I've been thinking of...going pre-med. And becoming a psychiatrist as opposed to just a psychologist.

I mean, personally, I think that people with GENUINE mental disorders are best helped by a combination of therapy and medicine, though if you had to choose one or the other, I'd obviously choose therapy. I'd like to be able to prescribe that medicine as well as provide counseling. But I'd be a GOOD psychiatrist, I wouldn't prescribe Prozac willy-nilly to people who didn't need it. The world needs better psychiatrists.

And...well, I think this is unfortunate, but I think psychiatrists are more in demand and have more job opportunities than psychologists. Sadly, many people today are looking for a chemical fix to their problems. It's not a good thing, in my opinion, but it's true. And I want to find a good job.

But being a DOCTOR? Really? Could I really do that? That is some hard schooling. And then would I have to be an intern and go through all those things I see on Scrubs which is obviously an accurate depiction of the medical world? Or could I go straight to counseling and therapy? And, God, obviously I'd have to deal with the blood and dissection and gahhhh in medical school. I hate that stuff. Help. I can't make up my mind.

Packing: almost done.
Mp3 player charger: DISCOVERED! (after a month and a half...)
Amount of peanut butter cups consumed in past two days: ridiculous.
Hugs: amazing.
My friends: even more amazing.
Giant cuddle piles: a combination of the two and therefore SERIOUSLY amazing.
My stress: greatly reduced.
My overall mood: greatly improved.
Pineapple rum: amazing.
My inhibitions: somewhat lowered, but not to the point where I'm making bad deicisons.
My typing: minimally impaired.
My ability to remember where I live: not at all impaired.
My energy level: through the floor.

.......mmmmmmsleep.