The Kit Kat Club

I feel like I've lost the ability to have strong romantic feelings for people.

I used to get crazy intense crushes on people, and I used to have crazy intense feelings for the people I dated. Like, near-physical-pain, falling-all-over-myself, stupid crushes and feelings.

And now, even when there's someone who's perfect for me, and I'm perfect for them...it's like I don't really feel anything. Not like I used to. I don't get butterflies anymore.

Nathan suggested that maybe I'm in "Safety Mode." "Why would I be in safety mode?" I asked him. "After all you have been through, babe," he replied.

What? I haven't "been through" anything. Not really. I've been let down, disappointed, and betrayed by people I loved and trusted. But who hasn't? I haven't been hurt any worse than most teenage girls, I don't think.

Nathan and I are basically perfect for each other. I love talking to him. But I don't have that feeling. I don't get the butterflies I had two years ago for him. Admittedly, between then and now he hurt and betrayed me pretty badly. Is that why I can't quite let myself be happy with the idea of being with him? That doesn't feel like the reason, but it would make sense. You'd think I'd understand why I feel the way I do, but I don't.

It's not just him, either. It's been a long time since I REALLY felt those powerful, giddy feelings for someone. I've tried to make myself feel them, I've tried to be happy with people, and I just never quite can. Why? I miss having those feelings. I want to feel like I did in senior year, with Marina. Even though I felt like a galumphing, hurr-durr, idiot spaz around her...I miss having someone who could make my heart turn over.

Other things:
-I am going to the Renaissance Faire with steel_lily09 tomorrow and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED oh my god.
-Charles Darwin film "too controversial for America. Excuse me while I lose all faith in my country. Where's my passport, I'm going back to Canada.
-I might -- maybe maybe maybe -- get to play Jessica in a production of "The Merchant of Venice." MAYBE. That would rock.
-Oh my god. iTunes just lost all my music. CRAAAAAAAAP.

Week meme!:
Day one: a song
Day two: a picture
Day three: a book/ebook/fanfic
Day four: a site
Day five: a youtube clip
Day six: a quote
Day seven: whatever tickles your fancy

Feist :: Brandy Alexander
http://www.sendspace.com/file/ka0g2q
Though I'd like to be the girl for him
And cross the sea and land for him
On milky skin my tongue is sand until
The ever distant band begins to play
He's my Brandy Alexander
Always gets me into trouble
But that's another matter
Brandy Alexander

"But Oh! for the wise, loving home girls
There's constant and steady demand."

-I'm taking a break from writing my ten-page research paper right now. I may stop for the night. I'm honestly just kind of writing unsubstantiated crap right now. Argh, I am terrified. I have at least four pages left to go, and it's due on Monday. Four pages in two days wouldn't be such a big deal, either, except I'm afraid I'm running out of material. Hell, I'm afraid I'm doing this whole thing wrong. Too much background before I get to the point? An unclear thesis? Is it terribly obvious that I'm really trying to pad it up with stuff that doesn't necessarily support my point? How does my professor want this cited? What do I do when I'm making a point that seems terribly obvious, but for which I have no citation? (For example: Duh, women are usually portrayed as passive bystanders in history, but that's because of the legal and social constraints on their behavior which prevented them from playing a more active role. Do I need to prove that somehow?)

-I went to get my hair cut with Ashley yesterday. Pictures are here and here. I think I like it, but it was supposed to look like this, so I'm somewhat disappointed. I may actually invest in a hair straightener to get it to look more like how I wanted it. Damn my surprisingly fluffy hair.

-Ashley and I got mistaken for twins. Again. It's starting to be a little spooky.

-I hate that I am such a Debbie Downer all the freaking time lately. Again, when I'm actually out with friends, I'm pretty happy. But when I'm home, or online, I'm like...miserable. I really dislike that about myself.

-There's so much I want to be doing. Like baking or writing or learning to drive or knitting or getting a job (which is in fact a necessity). But I don't know where to start or what to do. I just know my life is super boring most of the time.

-Oh yeah, and I didn't get that government-sponsored job. Turns out it's like financial aid; since my mom makes above a certain amount of money, they can't pay me. Well fuck. I am quite literally broke and now I don't know what to do.

-I want to cuddle with someone and watch scary movies.