The Kit Kat Club

Things didn't work out between Jenn and me. You'd think, in the 7 months since I told Jessie I wasn't ready for a relationship, I would have become ready for one, but -- no.

I'm not in a place where I can seriously be with someone right now. I'd really hoped I could fight past that and be happy with Jenn, but something in me was saying that it was wrong wrong wrong, and I had to listen to that voice. As much as it sucked.

I am under strict orders from her NOT to feel like a horrible person for what I did. I am trying very hard not to, but it's hard. I can't stand hurting people, even if it is in both of our best interests.

We are staying "cautiously optimistic." Maybe by the time we're both back in Ohio, both of us will be in a better place, and well, yeah. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I still can't help wishing my inner voice of self-preservation would shut the hell up once in a while and let me be happy with someone, but...this is ok. This is how it has to be right now.

Long time no post! There's kind of a reason for it, though: as I mentioned, I was visiting apple_scruffer down in DC. Thing is, we got together while I was down there. I have a girlfriend :) It's pretty wonderful.

I didn't post before largely because I wasn't quite sure what to say. I was also afraid of saying anything too fast -- of jumping to conclusions of perfect happiness. The truth is, I'm pretty terrified that I won't be able to do this. I make a rotten girlfriend. I hate talking on the phone. I hurt people. I'm always the one to walk away, and after what I did to Jessie, I'm just...doubly scared.

I'm trying desperately to keep that from souring my feelings. And I'm going to keep trying to make it work. I hope these feelings of fear pass, I really do. Because I want to be as happy as possible with this.

We had a lovely time, at any rate. We went to Rasika and ate food that was wonderful, but far too spicy. And we didn't see Rahm Emanuel, which was just a tragedy. Also, I totally didn't get carded for ordering mango Cosmos -- which sadly were far too strong for us.

Unfortunately, I was a total Debbie Downer for much of the trip. On Sunday I felt really dizzy and sick, and on Monday I was basically having a panic attack all day. But we saw the White House, the Capitol, and the Washington Monument at night, and they were beautiful. We went to the Smithsonian and saw awesome American history. The Newseum was my favorite thing that we saw, though. It made me want to be Brian Williams, basically. Oh, and there was this amazing, amazing "FotObama" exhibit, which had gorgeous shots like this absurdly symbolic photo. We went to a Mets-Nationals game. Being from Philadelphia, I couldn't in good conscience support either team. But I cheered the Nationals, because there's just no way I could cheer for the Mets without commiting harakiri.

This weekend should be good. Going up to JT and Kelsey's, AGAIN, haha.

I can't sleep. Not only has my total lack of a schedule rendered me completely nocturnal, but I'm just WAY too excited about visiting apple_scruffer!!

I should be getting in around 3 tomorrow. We'll probably sightsee or something until 7:30 when it's time to get ready for Rasika, the super fancy Indian restaurant where we're going to eat and also meet Rahm Emanuel. (...What? He's been seen eating there in the past. Clearly he will be there at the same time we are and we will meet him. DUHHH.)

It's going to be legen -- wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next word is -- dary.

On a less awesome note -- I can't stop thinking about all that I'll be missing by taking this semester off from Oberlin. Piscapo's Arm is losing a member. OMTA is losing a treasurer -- I don't know what they're going to do about that. I'm missing Return to the Onion Cellar. I won't get that job with Concert Sound (they said they'd be hiring at the start of fall semester). And the classes! I was going to take Hebrew I, not to mention retake Research Methods. Now I have to put those off until the start of what would have been my junior year. And can I still take a semester abroad junior year?

It is all just...frustrating. And I miss Oberlin more every day. I want to go back this semester, but there's no way anyone would let me.

Leave me a comment with "CAROLYN IS QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE" in the subject line.

I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

NB: I've done this meme before and totally failed to finish coming up with questions for people. If you want questions, you might have to get on my case about it.

( My ideal dinner parties, my crushes, my favorite movies, the TV show I'd most like to live in, and my dream date. )

My feet are not happy. Not happy at all. I went to dinner with JT and Kelsey tonight down in Old City. I decided to wear my new stiletto heels that I had bought specially for when I go to Rasika with apple_scruffer on Saturday. I wanted to take the heels for a test run, see how comfortable they were in the long run. The answer? Not. They are not comfortable.

I actually WALKED THE STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA BAREFOOT. The shoes were that painful. We eventually stopped for a pair of cheap flip flops, but it was too late. My feet are in shreds. Not from walking barefoot, but from the shoes. I have the most dramatic, horrible blisters on my toes. I couldn't even walk home from the train station.

At least now I know -- I'm wearing flip flops all the way to Rasika and changing into my nice shoes at the door! What's that you say? Why don't I just wear different shoes, like ones that don't kill me? Because these shoes match my dress PERFECTLY, damnit.

Eh. So now I am cranky and exhausted. I can't believe I'll be in DC in two days, though!!

Bad stuff:
-My wallet is gone...and I think it's gone for good. I can't find it anywhere. There was nothing massively important in it -- three library cards and my health insurance card. All of which can be replaced, but...argh. Why am I such an irresponsible idiot?

-This not-having-a-job thing is really, really bothering me. It's all I think about lately. And as July 18 gets closer I'm just freaking out more and more that I won't be able to go visit apple_scruffer. I think I've applied at at least 7 different places now, and I'm going to fill out two online applications tonight, but just...what if I can't find anything? I know places ARE hiring. Am I not pretty or elegant enough or something? Am I really going to have to resort to fast food?

Good stuff:
-umbrarumcantus just IMed me all "Oh hey, I'm going down to DC some weekend, we should carpool." If this works, that's $66 NOT going towards this trip.

-Spring Awakening with wrestlingdog tonight was awesome!

-I'm getting contact lenses on Friday!!! A lot of people have said to me "Noo, you're prettier with your glasses." Maybe that's true, I don't know, but I want to have the option of not looking like a bookish dork 24/7.

-Sam posted pictures from our solstice celebration and they are GORGEOUS and awesome. I have the most talented friends. ( 3 pictures under the cut. )

More musicspam. Sorry, I did that letter song meme...again.

The Rules:

1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter. (If you want a letter, just say so)
2. List (and upload) 5-10 songs that begin with that letter.
3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.

alienchrist gave me R.

1. The Decemberists -- The Rake's Song (lyrics) (Warning: This song is about infanticide, basically. It scares the shit out of me.)
No more a rake and no more a bachelor
I was wedded and it whetted my thirst
Until her womb start spilling out babies
Only then did I reckon my curse

2. We're About 9 -- Reading You (lyrics)
Are you out there, Florence?
I have been reading you
You are the star that set me dreaming
And all I've ever known of

3. The Beatles -- Real Love (lyrics)
Thought I'd been in love before
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

( 4 more under the cut. )

Lovely, crazy weekend. I stayed over steel_lily09's house for two nights, and we partied with VF folk. We had a "pagan festival" -- really, complete with (somewhat half-assed) spell casting. The best part, natch, was the part where we painted all over each other. I had an elephant, three snakes, and two vaginas painted on me, not to mention myriad pretty designs all over my arms, legs, back and face. Sam took some truly gorgeous photos, so hopefully photographic proof will be forthcoming. I love you guys so much ;_;

On Wednesday I'm going to see Spring Awakening with Lil! Fantabulous! The seats aren't great, so I think I might take her out to dinner beforehand to make up for it somewhat.

Despite not actually having permission yet, I am thoroughly planning my trip to go see apple_scruffer in DC on July 17. We're going to go to dinner at Rasika, both because it has great Indian food and because Rahm Emanuel has been seen eating there :D :D :D clearly we will be dining simultaneously and he will ask us to dine with him. I'm seriously considering buying a new dress for the occasion, namely, this dress. What do you think?

And am going to bug you all with a music-spam. Nothing special, just a few songs I can't stop listening to as of late.

1. Lenka -- The Show. Apparently this song was really famous at some point and used in a bunch of commercials. I live under a rock and didn't hear about it till apple_scruffer posted it. Now I can't stop listening to it. It's happy and fun and wonderful.
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

2. Uh Huh Her -- Covered. I need more songs by these girls. I got this off a mix. A little techno, a little Tegan and Sara-esque, maybe a little TATU? Or maybe I just say that because they're lesbians.
Hollar now you want it
Gonna see, see how do you love again?
Higher than the stars
You're covered in my hands tonight

3. Tori Amos -- Welcome to England Sweet, sad, melancholy.
I forgot that you said, "Girl if you come...
you better bring your sun.
Sweet girl, you gotta bring your sun
Now don't you forget you bring your sun--
Just enough for
everyone
for everyone
Welcome to England"

( 8 more, and a bonus track. Make me happy, check it out. )

Hope you enjoyed this installment of Carolyn's boredom, and maybe you even saw some music you wanted to hear!

The next few weekends are packed. I hope Jack doesn't need me for weekend nights.
This weekend: Bryn Mawr Girlchoir reunion on Saturday, staying over Julia's, "pagan festival" in VF Park with my middle school buds!
Next weekend (June 26-28): My birthday!
July 3-5: Spending it with JT and Kelsey!
July 10-12: Free?
July 17-19: HOPEFULLY HOPEFULLY HOPEFULLY visiting apple_scruffer in DC.
July 24-26: Visiting kk_kk_kk!

Question of the day: Why do people suck so much?

I am completely done with the outside world right now. I guess because I've been spending so much time at home or with my friends lately, but man, crowds and strangers are just driving me up a wall right now. It doesn't help that I just spend the afternoon trudging around a shopping center roughly the size of my entire town, looking for jobs.

Which -- yeah. The people who suck the most are definitely employers and business owners >:( GOD, YOU GUYS, I AM SERIOUSLY NOT THAT UNEMPLOYABLE. I just can never seem to find work. A lot of places aren't hiring right now, but I got to turn in applications at Barnes & Noble, The Christmas Tree Shops, Cheeburger Cheeburger, and Hallmark. And I just feel like they're not going to call me and it's all futile.

I tried to act extra confident and badass, because once when I was talking to Jack, he said that when I came into the candy store to ask about a job two years ago, I seemed really pitiful and unsure of myself. And it almost made him not want to hire me. I don't know how to be awesome :( but I pretended I did.

I just want one store to call me back. Just one, that's all I ask. It would be the best birthday present. I want to go down to DC in July to visit apple_scruffer, and for that, I definitely need money. I just found a paycheck from Oberlin, and I got paid yesterday for participating in a medical study, so I'm up $140, but I need more.

Speaking of, my birthday is in 8 days. What are you going to do about it?

Yesterday, I found a credit card on the ground outside the PATCO station. I looked up the guy's name on whitepages.com and on Facebook, and I think I've found him. Sent him a Facebook message asking him if he'd lost a credit card. I was feeling really proud of myself for doing the right thing, and then I was like...wait. It's not goodness to be better than the worst. Of COURSE this is the right thing to do, I don't have any right to go around feeling proud of it. Any decent person would do the same.

But, given that I've had an iPod, a cell phone, and a debit card stolen from me in my time, I kind of have to assume that a lot of people aren't "decent people."

I slept really late but I think it may be naptime nonetheless.

Music meme! apple_scruffer gave me the letter H (mostly, as I ascertained, so that I could include "Human"). If you'd like to participate, comment and I'll give you a letter so you can play. Post 5 songs in your journal beginning with that letter. Easy!

Half Jack by Amanda Palmer/The Dresden Dolls (not sure which to attribute it to).
And when I let him in I feel the stitches getting sicker
I try to wash him out but like they say, "the blood is thicker..."
I see my mother in my face
But only when I travel
I run as fast as I can run
But Jack comes tumbling after
Is this song about daddy issues, or being a hermaphrodite? You decide! It's dark and beautiful and wonderful.

Hey, Hey by Dispatch.
Now here I come one more time
But she slides on by
Not even a second look
She took the bait right off that hook
I've got my blinders on tight
I pull my cap a little lower
I can hide, hide away
I had this song on repeat for much of 8th grade. I had a mad crush on this girl on my bus...this always makes me think of her. It still applies pretty well to the dumb shy crushes I get on girls.

Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel. Sorry for the weird filename on this one; it's what happens when you download shit on Limewire.
Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me
Beautiful, melancholy, amazing harmony, Simon and Garfunkel are just fucking amazing, ok?

Human by Mile 77.
Are we human, or are we dancer?
My sign is vital, my hands are cold
And I'm on my knees looking for the answer:
Are we human, or are we dancer?
I have no idea who this band is. I couldn't even find a lyrics page for them. I got this off a Stephen Colbert/Rahm Emanuel fanmix. (You heard me.) The point is, this song is AWESOME.

Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect by The Decemberists.
But you, my soiled teenage girlfriend
Or are you furrowed like a lioness?
And we are vagabonds
We travel without seatbelts on
We live this close to death
Possibly my favorite Decemberists song, or close to it. I have no idea wtf it's supposed to be about, exactly, but it's gorgeous.

...Just so I can feel a little less discombobulated.

Now until 11: Go over the readings for sessions 20 and 21 of my Jewish History course. (That way, I will have reviewed half of the material the final will be on.)
11-1: Visit Dean of Studies. LAUNDRY. Shower. Go over audition sides. Clean room?
1-2: Auditions for The Goat.
2-4: HANG WITH MY BB apple_scruffer.
4-5: Nap???
5-7: Work on Educational Psych paper.
7-8ish: Dinner (if I'm hungry)
8-godknowswhen, but I would like to actually sleep through the night tonight: More studying/paper writing. Will write more detailed studying schedule closer to that time.

I can do this.

Everything is still such a mess that I'm kind of at a loss for what to do.

I'm taking a failing grade in Research Methods and re-taking the class next semester. Which...sucks, but there's nothing really to be done. Leaves me free to focus on the fact that everything else is only slightly less disastrous than that. Educational Psych paper, Jewish History exam on Thursday, Econ exam on Saturday.

Not really eating much anymore, and what I am eating is unhealthy. I either forget about the concerts and performances and gatherings I'm invited to, or when time comes for me to go to them, I'm feeling too ashamed of myself to show my face in public.

Sleeping at all the wrong hours, not being nearly as productive as I should be.

Crying on the phone to my mom pretty much every night, IMing/texting Kris whenever I'm not actually asleep.

Quite literally no eyebrows left -- last night in Decafe, within the space of five minutes, two people asked me why I shaved my eyebrows off. (I've been drawing them on with eyeliner, but I guess they weren't convincing.)

Compulsively picking at the skin on the back of my arm until it bleeds.

Considering checking myself into the hospital every two days or so.

Oh, and I have my period.

LOL Walking disaster much, Carolyn? Fuck.

At least apple_scruffer is visiting again tomorrow, so I'll have a few hours in which I will not be emo-ing about.

Meant to post this a while ago, but forgot until now. Yes, I totally DID meet apple_scruffer, and here's the photographic evidence to prove it.

So like...my bladder is a dog or something.

...Let's back up.

So, I've noticed recently that the closer I get to my dorm as I head home, the more I have to pee. I don't think it's actually a Pavlovian response (so it's not really a dog) -- it's something different but I don't remember Psych100 enough to remember what it is. Conditioned response? IDK. But as soon as my dorm is within eyesight, I suddenly have to pee. And it gets worse and worse with each step. By the time I've unlocked my door and dropped my bag, I like, have to sprint to the bathroom.

I think it must have something to do with my near-universal fear of using strange bathrooms. I just. I can't do it unless it's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. The dorm bathrooms obviously don't feel entirely safe -- too much like public bathrooms -- but it's the closest thing to home I've got, you know? So if I can help it, I only ever use the restroom in my dorm. And apparently my body has taken that to mean "Oh boy! Home means pee! YAY!!!"

Ok, I seriously just blogged about pee. WTF is wrong with me. I'm so sorry.

It's pretty nice out today. Not as glorious as it was last weekend, BUT my bikini came in the mail so I'm going to put it on and lie out in the sun. Also I guess my ass isn't as huge as I thought? I ordered a medium-sized bottom, and it looks ridiculous on me. It'd fall right down if I ever went swimming. Do bathing suits shrink if you wash them? Because for reals, this isn't going to work. And I can't return it.

...Worst blog ever. SERIOUSLY. Have something awesome to make up for it:

www.textsfromlastnight.com

I'm serious, it's my new favorite thing.

BUT THE REALLY EXCITING THING is that apple_scruffer is going to be in Oberlin tonight, like, completely randomly, to see the circus. And we will meet and there will be much rejoicing.